IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD it before, your hearing aids have run out of battery. Artificial intelligence is going to kill us all! We're not safe from our own creations! You'll lose your job to a robot!
And I like my job.
Thankfully, nobody in the music industry likes their job anymore. We can look to Cowell for that one. That's why they created the monstrosity that is Amper Music.
Let me fill you in, please.
Amper Music is a so-called AI music composer that has apparently been fed thousands of hours of all sorts of music in a bid to get it to create its own based on parameters set by a user.
In short, it's GarageBand loops for people too lazy to use GarageBand loops.
A lot of it isn't even good music. A YouTube artist called Taryn Southern seems to like it, having released numerous clips of white noise ‘composed' by Amper. The music isn't inherently bad, but you can almost hear the genericity of each of the layers of music.
It's a good job Taryn Southern can layer them well. She'd make a fine producer, it's just a shame about the obvious autotune. She should probably find a non-electronic collaborator though.
I don't think I've seen anything that lonely before.
One of her AI-powered songs is called Life Support. Please, pull mine.
Amper Music CEO, Drew Silverstein, said that he wanted the program to be to music what ‘Microsoft Word is for documents.' If Word could write my articles for me, I would be working for 172 magazines simultaneously while having my laptop write my next hit single about a table with bipolar disorder.
It's not just the demi-brained musicians that'll be losing out either. AI could, theoretically, be used in any situation where there's a phone call involved.
While I wait for the AI sex hotline queue to go down, Google's Duplex AI will be performing cold calls and replacing the jobs of all forms of telemarketers.
Normally, I'd tell them that John Smith was imprisoned for selling fraudulent PPI, but Duplex is smart. Duplex wouldn't accept no for an answer.
Duplex would be… un-hang-up-able.
While I think of a better word to use there, many thousands of people could lose their jobs to robots. If companies were to replace call centres with AI, the exquisite, lush Welsh town of Merthyr Tydfil will be at a loss.
Currently home to a large EE call centre, this is exactly what's needed to finally have the place bulldozed by the Welsh government, covered in plastic laminate flooring and used for Rasputin-esque parties.
Back to telemarketing for a second, an hour, half of your Sunday…
Just imagine the conversations between a robotic cold caller and a whiskey-infused Scotsman.
'Hello. May I speak to - John, Smith - please?'
'John Smeth? Who the hagges is John Smeth?!'
'I do not understand the question. Could you please repeat that?'
'Repeat what noy?'
'You said: "Who the haggis is John Smith". I did not understand the question, could you please repeat it?'
'Look `ere, lassie, I do not knoh a John Smeth. I'm Kenneth, son of *hick* Thor! And I dunnae knoh of any John Smeth!'
‘Okay, Connive. I'd like to talk about your recent car crash.'
'I dunnae knoh who y'are, but Kenneth son of Thor does not drive… a car. I make my weh throo the great land of Sotland on the back of the Loch Ness monster! I cannae fathom driving *hick* a car! Good! Bye!'
*Proceeds to slam down phone*
'Connive, I have noticed you have tried to hang up. Would you like me to remove your number from our records?'
Of course, Kenneth is already asleep by this point, and that last sentence is the least likely thing for a telemarketer to say.
There's no rest for the livid. µ
Now you can watch documentaries about horribly disfigured people whenever you like
Brad to the bone
Being in a minority of one doesn't make you right
WeWork needs a rework