IN A WORLD that many can only dream of, fireflies dance in the night as children’s laughter echoes around the balmy twilight.
It’s a little like stepping into Narnia, but Narnia on a midsummer's night with shiny boxes tempting us with their blue glow, punctuating the edible candy flowers that bloom as talking cows call us 'dearie'.
This, dear friends, is the world of the new Apple Store on Regent Street in London. Some say its allure is so great that a gorilla frustrated by not being able to get a pair of hairdryers for his iPhone 7 escaped his enclosure. Such is the siren song of the shop.
They say that if you whisper 'Oh Genius, where art thou?' he will come to you, dressed in cloaks emblazoned with a holy symbol of a half chewed piece of fruit, and lay hands upon your broken, drillhole-bezelled device, fixing it with the power buried deep within the building, which is said to be built on a ley line between this world and the next.
The security guide is a magic pixie who will instantly send shoplifters into a 1,000-year slumber, probably caused by implanting the Michael Fassbender film about Steve Jobs on a perpetual loop in their heads, which would send anyone to sleep.
In this land made of wishes lie meadows of dreams, where if you half close your eyes you can see a world where everything is pure and new and homogenised and changes all the time.
On a patch of sunbeam, you can watch TV in a way you never have before, or gaze in wonder at devices that will enslave you with their retina displays, make you want them, need them, and pay well over the odds for them.
It’s a place that is new, yet a place you’ve always known. An oasis in the middle of one of the busiest cities in the world. A place of wonder. A place of joy.
This, friends, is how we imagine the new Apple Store on Regent Street. However, despite the INQUIRER’s continuing growth in readership to almost four times what it was three years ago and our dedicated coverage every time Eddy Cue so much as farts, we still didn’t get a f*cking invitation to the press day, so we’ve had to f*cking make it up.
We hope we got it part right. Thanks a bunch, Apple. It's not 2001 anymore, there are other websites out there and other websites, like ours, have changed a lot.
As our friends at The Register recently, and we think brilliantly, pointed out, there's something a bit rotten about how Apple treats loyal members of the press.
By the way, you will note who wrote this. It wasn't who you'd expect. (#android4eva).
Anyway, the Apple Store, Regent Street, London reopens tomorrow (Saturday) and apparently has some trees in it. Pop along. They'll probably give out free balloons or some sh*t. µ
*your experience may differ
It's so secure that users can't get into their accounts
Should have gone to... never mind
Committee calls on UK gov to shore up Blighty's cyber defences