JUST AS TRADITIONAL as the Apple iPhone launch is my annual deconstruction of the nonsense and hyperbole of it all as we play 'Where did Apple nick that from?'.
"Black is black. I want my baby back," sang Los Bravos in their 1966 hit. Apparently Apple didn't hear this, as the firm announced yesterday that, in the fine tradition of inventing things it didn't, it has invented a colour.
Yes, "we call it Jet Black" is available as an option on the new iPhone 7 as well as the more traditional black. It comes with a whole heap of killer advantages, including shinyness and the ability to play 'Whose phone has the worst scratches?' (also hugely popular when discussing the trade-in value of your phone at CEX).
The removal of the headphone socket was no huge secret. What was a little more surprising is Apple's claim that this shows "courage".
Robert Falcon Scott showed courage going on his ill-fated expedition. Common sense, on the other hand, would have stayed in a nice warm living room with a cup of cocoa watching Tipping Point with that nice Ben Shepherd.
Point being: brave isn't always good. I once connected my underpants to the national grid. Brave, but fucking stupid.
Apparently it will 'make room' for extra features. If I'd known that was how it works, I'd have cut off my nose to spite my face years ago and demanded an extra ear.
You know what Apple does do, though? It sells dongles. Oh, the dongles you'll sell Mr Cook! Dongle variant number 26 at £30 a pop! I can see you now, lying in a big pile of dongles and cash, laughing like an Alabama drain.
But fear not! Because there is a solution! Among the myriad Bluetooth headphones that are available, Apple has launched its own. The Apple EarPods are designed in association with the props manager from a remake of 1968 sex-fi Barbarella for hamsters, and will look fantastic buried in the lining of the sofa, as that's where they're going to end up most of the time.
But what about the rest of us, denied the opportunity not to have a headphone socket? Don't worry. For a buck, you too can make your phone worse. Or better. This handy button plugs into the jack, clogging it up, but providing a programmable extra function, such as a camera shutter, or quick dial to the Samaritans.
Speaking of cameras, there's a dual camera on the iPhone 7 Plus. "The plus is for the second camera." Holy moly! If only Chinese phone makers like Huawei had been doing this for Android for several years. Oh, no. Wait. They have. The Huawei P9 and Honor 8 are two phones that have a dual camera. And a headphone jack.
So what else is there that's been nicked? Oh yes, the extra personal security features identical to those offered by Moto phones for years, so that's nice.
I won't lie, I'm a bit jealous of the Mario game, but we'll get that eventually. Meanwhile, Niantic shoved a couple of fingers in the eye of its former owner (Niantic was a Google subsidiary) by bringing Pokémon Go to the Apple Watch.
The big sell here was that it would encourage iPhone users to look up. This isn't an original idea either. People have been looking up for millions of years to avoid street lamps, other pedestrians, woolly mammoths and cliffs. And for those for whom looking up is a problem, may I suggest this neck brace.
What was particularly worrying was that this year's keynote spent more time talking earnestly about the benefits of playing Pokémon Go on a watch than it did in the entire section on educashun.
And speaking of educashun, there wasn't really an educashun section at all. It was actually a 'Look at iWork! Look at iWork! Hey. Here's an idea. Maybe people could use it in an office environment!' exercise.
'No-one has ever attempted to edit a deck live during a presentation before' was the claim. 'No-one has ever tried to clean gum off their boot using a biro during judging at Crufts' is about as relevant.
It's not a huge boast. Especially when it's demonstrating live-collaboration functionality that plays catch-up to every other productivity suite on the planet. And there's something very wrong when the biggest company in the world is playing catch-up with Dropbox.
A lot of people were expecting this to be the big one, the answer to all the 'Apple has lost its way without Jobs' critics. What's worrying is that the iPhone 7 looks, to my eyes, to be a giant step backwards.
The 'Series 2' Apple Watch doesn't really solve the fundamental problems of smartwatches, apart from the fact that you can now get it to match your crockery. Every time someone said they were "excited", "super-excited" or "delighted" I wanted to punch small fluffy animals.
So congratulations, Apple, you've actually managed to piss me off even more than usual this year. I'd piss on your bloody iPhone, except now it's water resistant. Hey, where did you get that idea? Oh yes! EVERYONE ELSE!
And now, dear readers, I look forward to hearing your usual claims that this site has an Apple bias and that we're all 'fanbois'.
If anyone wants me I'll be looking for my right hairdryer which I lost when I had it tilted at a funny angle trying to play Pokémon Go on a stupid 2in screen when I was blinded by the glow coming off my FUCKING JET BLACK PHONE. µ
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