WHAT FOLLOWS IS a leaked internal memo from the CEO of the newly created Alphabet Business Concern to all henchmen worldwide. It may shed some light on the real motives behind Google's restructuring. Alternatively, we may have made it up. Actually for legal reasons, we should probably make it clear that it's the latter.
Anyway, here's the letter ...
Myself and my ever present sidekick Sergey would like to acknowledge your loyalty, sycophancy and pandering during the transformation. Your deaths, when they come, will be quick and painless.
Now that we are free from all that 'don't be evil' nonsense which applies only to the Google subsidiary, I can now reveal the full details of Operation Alphabet.
Firstly, funding. As you are aware, we now hold the purse strings for your entire operations, despite being a shell company that doesn't do anything in its own right. So, funding is vital. As such, we have trademarked not just 'Alphabet', but the alphabet. We are in the process of retroactively suing the Children's Television Workshop for every use of the letters A and U and the number 10 right back to 1969. That should keep us going for a bit.
So, to the plan. As you are aware, we have been seeding the public's minds with the idea of sweet foods since 2005 with the names of Android builds. This practice will continue, as no-one could ever accuse a Marshmallow of being evil. But I have already said too much.
Sweet foods, as we all know, lead to diabetes, which will increase the sales of our proposed contact lenses that detect blood sugar levels.
In turn, many people will be banned from driving because of the diabetes and will need one of our automated cars. So that's a win right there. I have given orders that the cars are to be reprogrammed to be so accurate in their interpretation of the Highway Code that no-one wants to drive anymore because the roads are so congested around box junctions, and so polite that using a roundabout requires taking a picnic.
So, while the proles are stuck in their homes watching hypnotic cat videos, they will, of course, be dependent on Nest products which will automate their conditions. Our intention is that the thermostats always make the house around two degrees too warm. Just enough to make it unpleasant, but not enough to put your finger on why.
For those who decide to venture outside, our terrifying robots from Boston Dynamics have been melded with the Deep Mind neural network to create a new vigilante force to stop them getting to any restaurants they find with Zygat.
This is partly because we want to control the populous, but mostly because (a) I love Robocop and (b) if anyone is going to get the table by the window at that little Italian bistro on Swanage seafront it's going to be me.
So everyone will be trapped in their homes, with Dropcams keeping an eye on them. I will have my control tower like Christof in The Truman Show, and will be able to watch them at any moment. It will be beautiful.
But we shall entertain them. YouTube will run a constant loop of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, as seen by the Neural Network. This should placate them until such time as part B of the operation goes into play.
As you will remember, we've made everyone just a bit too warm with the thermostats. This will make them irritable. Then all we need to do is create an 'outage' in Google Fibre and people will take to the streets again, this time in a bout of huge civil unrest. World War III will be inevitable. This, of course, will result in your deaths, but by then you will have all served your purpose.
Meanwhile, I will be on a spaceship built by X Labs and powered by the quantum computer we co-own with NASA. The only people coming with me are Satya Nadella, Tim Cook, Boo-Keun Yoon and Larry Ellison. Once we're safely in orbit, we can watch as the world destroys itself.
And I'll turn to them and finally be able to say, as the Earth smoulders behind me through the porthole, 'YOU SEE? YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET INTO A PATENT WAR WITH ME?'
You may recall, some time ago, that we added a universal 'kill switch' to Android. We've never used it because of that 'don't be evil' thing, but we'll be off-world by then and the rules won't count.
'THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR MESSING WITH GOOGLE!' I shall scream, and then trigger the Android kill switch. The robot statues on the front lawn at Mountain View will finally be activated, fly up to the ship and devour my enemies alive.
As they look at me pleading, and asking 'Why? Why go to all this trouble?' I will shout 'DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?'
So, anyway, that's why we've called the company Alphabet. Now, if we can get all of this rolling out as soon as possible, I'd be really grateful. I'm looking forward to seeing as many of you as possible at the company softball game (Android employees will get an invitation this year, sorry about that), and I have been asked to remind you that the milk in the fridges is meant for tea and coffee only. Please bring your own if you want a latte or bowl of cereal.
Until the glorious day ...
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