TIM COOK, WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET, seems to be a very decent man. He does a lot for charity, he talks a lot of honest sense, and he does a lot for the shareholders of a company called Apple.
The news that he will retire one day was a terrible shock to me. It came buried away in reports that Cook is planning to donate his huge wealth to charity, something that other CEOs are doing, and was mixed in with some fluff about how great it is to be a good man and to look after people.
Hidden among all this good-vibe, hippy-happy, joy-joy stuff was the bitter pill, the bad oyster in the bunch, the bruised banana. Cook will one day retire from Apple.
I was moved while reading this news. There was a commotion in the queue I was in and my right arm, my iPhone-holding arm, was jostled.
I don't know what caused the commotion, although the owl that I am supposed to be looking after had, for that moment, slipped my attention, and I was too busy worrying about what will happen to Cook to investigate.
Choosing a CEO is a hard task. I was hoping, for no reason other than benevolence and altruism, that Cook would remain at Apple's helm forever. Not in a scary way like Monty Burns of The Simpsons, but in an ethereal, soft focus kind of way, like Galadriel in The Lord of the Rings - when she isn't yelling.
He will not last for ever, though, and Apple will have to begin the terrible task of finding someone who can lead a technology company without offending women, being accused of sexually assaulting women, killing a man, shooting animals and eating them, drinking human poo water, running widescale piracy, spending $250,000 in a strip club, committing billion dollar accounting fraud, leaping around like an uncaged sweat-ape, or discouraging people who love each other from getting married.
As I am sure Cook would agree, we are all human and we all make mistakes (one of mine was looking after this owl) and I feel that it is time to forgive and forget these past foibles. Or at the very least, decline to bring them up. Again.
My plan, if you could call it a plan, is to host a retirement party for Cook, at a location of his choosing (he will have to fund it), attended and staffed by his glorious and inglorious peers.
The invitation list writes itself. Kim Dotcom, accused of heinous copyright crimes by the US, must do the music at the event. Probably some sort of multimedia display too. One involving a lot of content.
Foodwise is a tough choice between Bob Parsons of GoDaddy and Mark Zuckerberg, both of whom have proved themselves capable of tracking, killing and serving wild animal for dinner, so this may come down to availability on the day. One thing is for certain: we will be having a barbeque.
Elon Musk, who I think plans to move to Mars to avoid our incoming robot overlords, must do the health and safety checks. The inspirational inventor and pioneer will, I'm certain, make sure that everyone is safe and that the decommissioned army kill drones that we use for silver service have their mood trigger set at 'calm and servile' as opposed to 'kill and conquer'.
Here I must say that I feel I'm being a bit mean. Zuckerberg and Parsons are their own men, and they are free to make whatever decisions they want regardless of what this third-world, armchair-commentating nitwit thinks.
I was going to say something in poor taste about Bill Gates. But it now feels unfair to say that his drinking of faeces water is a bad thing, because it is a very good and important thing.
Yes. It is headline foul, but globally and in terms of humanity it is a glorious thing. In fact Gates, regardless of whatever else you can say about him - and that includes related jokes about his breath - does a heck of a lot of work for charity.
I was going to suggest that Gates took care of the drinks, but I think I'll let him just come to the affair and relax. He does a lot.
It's all men so far, which could be a problem. But it is reflective of the industry and realistically we should aim for about three women for every seven chaps.
Those odds should make things seem familiar for people who work at the top of technology companies, although it may make it an uncomfortable place for the ladies.
I think we are going to need someone who understands the ladies at the front of the party, not as a doorman, perhaps, but as a sort of concierge to guide people through the event. Someone who really gets women.
I've lost track of Brendan Eich, ex-Mozilla CEO, but perhaps he is available to act as host? If memory serves, he'd make sure that everyone gets into the party, regardless of their sexual orientation.
But I am running away with myself. Cook probably won't retire for years, and he might be able to regenerate like a phoenix anyway. Time will tell.
So there you have it. These are rough plans and, as I said earlier, I need to get Cook involved before really pushing this idea forward. So I will probably come back to it. Right after I find this owl. µ
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