REAL-LIFE RON SWANSON John McAfee has been released from custody after disappearing earlier this week amid rumours that his past had finally caught up with him.
The antivirus giant turned cryptovagelist was detained by 'authorities' though it wasn't specified whether they were investigating tax evasion charges in the US or his long-standing accusation of murder in Belize, which he has always denied.
Armed forces from the Dominican Republic detained Mr McAfee along with his wife Janice and the crew of his yacht, as they attempted to dock in Puerto Plata. It's understood that a number of high calibre weapons and ammo were confiscated as part of the arrest.
McAfee, who is standing for the Libertarian Party in the 2020 US Election, despite not actually being able to set foot in the country for fear of arrest has an Order 66 in the event of being caught, which circumstances have forced him to reveal.
His campaign manager Rob Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Loggia-Ramirez took control of McAfee's Twitter account explained that Mr McAfee has caches of information stored with various allies around the world, and would order them to be released unless he was.
Exactly what this blessed data is hasn't been revealed as McAfee is now a free man, after being released yesterday, with McAfee returning to his Twitter account to post pictures of his liberation:
Leaving detention (don't judge my looks - four days of confinement). I was well treated. My superiors were friendly and helpful. In spite of the helpful circumstances, we've decided to move on. More later. pic.twitter.com/V4539uYCHR— John McAfee (@officialmcafee) July 24, 2019
McAfee tweeted last week that his only crime was the failure to file tax returns, but also posted pictures of himself with Janice surrounded by heavy weaponry - not illegal in itself, as he was in international waters at the time, but that's because he was evading capture. On a yacht. As you do.
He'd also expressed concern that the CIA was attempting to apprehend him last week. It's not known if the Dominican Republic forces were working with the CIA, but his people have said that he was detained without arrest.
Mr McAfee has promised to eat his own dinkle if Bitcoin doesn't reach $1m by the end of 2020. By our reckoning, it needs to grow $1889.18 every day (Bitcoin, not his dinkle) if his manhood is to survive. μ
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