DUMPSTER FIRE CURATOR Mark Zuckerberg has been revealed to have a 'panic chute' in his office, allowing him to escape the boardroom if things get, what Danny Dyer might refer to as 'a bit tasty'.
The Facebook founder and CEO has further compounded theories that he is morphing into a real-life Monty Burns revealed the existence of the conference room chute amongst a series of other security measures at the company headquarters.
Other precautions that emerged from an investigation by Business Insider include bulletproof glass walls in the conference room which forms part of Zuck's office and a 'Pretorian Guard' (a reference to the Roman Empire's personal bodyguard division) to take a bullet for Zuck if he's attacked during a company meeting.
Rumours of the escape chute have been circling for a while but it appears to have been on a "need to know" basis, allowing for plausible deniability that there's a hole in the floor that leads to the parking garage.
Zuck, who was already known to tape up his webcam, is also said to have a 24-hour armed guard at home, in case someone goes after him or his family, and it's believed that the Bay Area mansion may also have a panic room.
Additionally, there are security sweeps before Zuck goes to a bar, and pre-vetting of all new hires - including doctors, gym instructors and personal assistants. He also has a personal driver, whose routes are monitored and can be ordered to be rerouted if there are risks to his safety - even if just from slow moving traffic.
It's understood that Facebook has a $10m annual stipend agreed with Zuck to account for his spectacular personal security regime. Facebook has declined to comment.
Of course, if Facebook just stopped doing dickish things, Zuckerberg wouldn't have to be constantly living in fear of his life, but he's made his bed (or chute) and just has to hope he never has to lie in it. μ
Some deliberately, others through stupidity
Quite the business expense
It's another quantum leap camera
Evolution, not revolution, but that's just fine