AMAZON'S MOST prominent horologist Jeff "Cueball" Bezos has accused grotty tabloid rag, the National Enquirer of blackmail and extortion after it threatened to show the world his billionaire's shortbreads.
Now, before we carry on, a quick lesson in spelling. Of course, when we first saw "Bezos threatens Enquirer" come through on the wires, we nearly spat out our morning brandy.
But of course, it isn't us. We spell and pronounce our names differently. We're the INquirer. They're the ENquirer. They also have "National" in front. We're international. And most important of all, we employ some of the highest journalistic standards in reporting the truth, albeit a little liberally, and a little snarkily. They (OK, that's enough comparing).
Clear? Good. Let's continue.
Posting on Medium last night, Bezos posted the email sent by the National Enquirer's publisher, AMI, that show him in nookie mode with his former favourite, Lauren Sanchez, whose affair with Bezos has been covered in minutia in the tabloid. One pic is described as a "below the belt selfie "
Bezos claims that AMI told him that they wouldn't run the photos, providing that he issued a statement saying that their coverage of him had no political motivation.
Bezos points out that AMI has links to bit-part actor Donald Trump, best known for his appearance as 'Self' in Richard E Grant's Hotel Secrets. This rubs the wrong way against Bezos' ownership of the Washington Post, which is known for shooting many fish into Trump's barrel of whimsy.
Bezos went on to explain that he had decided to call AMI's bluff by publishing the correspondence, "despite the personal cost and embarrassment they threaten".
What's particularly interesting about this indecent proposal is that AMI has no editorial motivation to hide the pictures from a public baying for poor quality journalism.
Not, that is to say, that anyone really wants or needs to see the Bezos dinkle, but it does appear that AMI has more to gain from not publishing. If Bezos isn't being directly blackmailed for cash, then there's a fair chance that a third party will be funding this attempt. We're not even going to speculate whom, because we're the INQUIRER, not the Enquirer. Vowels matter.
AMI, which has already admitted helping the Trump campaign in a payoff to a Playboy model, thus keeping tiny hands clean, claims that the ten photos, including one described as involving Ms Sanchez and a cigar, were obtained during "newsgathering".
Excuse us a second. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! News. Good one. μ
'Some of us like the misery'
That'll surely affect its credit score