LINKEDIN has always sounded like a much better idea than it actually is. What seems like a great way to meet like-minded professionals is, in fact, a news feed of self-referential puffery and drivel, and approaches from people who are taking wild stabs at vaguely relevant people, that you'd probably not shake hands with for fear of catching cooties.
So how to stand out in a marketplace of complete tools? Apparently, LinkedIn thinks the solution is voice messaging.
Yes, in an age where most people don't answer fixed-line phones because the odds on the call being relevant are about 66-1, LinkedIn (parent company Microsoft, and they're welcome to each other) has decided that what the network really needs is another place to talk irrelevant b*llocks that won't get listened to.
"Have you ever typed out a long message and thought about how much faster and easier it would be to say it out loud?" says the blog.
"No," says INQ, "why, have you ever tried to wire your scrotum with electrodes and then turned on a 500v current to see if free Cadbury chocolate shoots from your ears? Didn't think so"
INQ has had a stressful weekend.
In a world where the "always available" expectation is (literally) killing people, the idea of bringing a technology that has been superceded many times to a platform that's already basically a repository for junk, is as stupid as, oh, say, buying a Tesla from an eBay member with no feedback score or waking up your victims during a burglary to get the WiFi password.
"Whether you're responding while walking or multitasking, or need to give an in-depth explanation, voice messages let you more easily and quickly communicate in your own voice with your connections." continues the blurb.
No. Not it doesn't. It guarantees that you'll rabbit on for 15 minutes instead of getting the juice out in two, leave no audit trail, and almost certainly won't get your message received meaning you'll have to send it again. So don't do it. Really, it's as dumb as all heck.
Sufficed to say, we won't be listening to any voicemails we get, and we imagine you won't either. μ
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