SOLDIERS! FALL IN AND GIVE ME TWENTY!
NO WAIT! LINE UP ON THE FLOOR!
[calm yourself, Colin, this is what you trained for]
MEN! AND GIRL CATS! I, Colonel Kitten, protector of the Linux Kernel have received new information in the form of a coded message from Commander Torvalds! It could be the warning that we will be pushing forward to defeat the evil Dogs of Windows. But I'm not sure as Private Mittens used the decoding book as a scratching post.
It reads: "The other excitement this week was purely personal, consisting of seven hours of pure agony due to a kidney stone. I'm all good, but it sure _felt_ a lot longer than seven hours, and I don't even want to imagine what it is for people that have had the experience drag out for longer. Ugh."
Now, our best intelligence indicated that "kidney stone" is code for "scratch the eyes out" and "seven hours" is short for "all Windows 10 users", but like I say, the book is missing.
I SAID SCRATCH THEIR EYES OUT, NOT YOUR OWN! GET TO THE MEDICAL BAY!
Anyway, the message has come disguised as an announcement of Linux Kernel 4.13. The big news this month is that SMB will now default to version 3.0. You may recall Heartbleed was a result of people using insecure SMB so let's SORT IT OUT!
Other new features are incidental but there's initial Cannonlake support, DRM sync object support, AMD Raven Ridge support, new DMA mapping subsystem, MUX subsystem merging, statx support by F2FS and Btrfs and improved hardware support.
But that's not important right now. The merge window for 4.14 is open.
Let us concentrate instead on what this secret message could be. What are "kidney stones"? Could I eat them? Why did they cause Commander Torvalds such pain? It must be that they run Windows 10.
OUR ORDERS ARE CLEAR MEN! WE'RE GOING OVER THE TOP! LET'S HAVE A COUP! CHAAAAAARGE! µ
Colonel Kitten has been working quite hard lately.
The US was using the spyware to snoop on terrorist groups like ISIS
Likely will be most-affordable of Apple's 2018 iPhone, claims report
Move will see firms whacked with a three per cent turnover tax
Oh, you've got a new phone next week Huawei? We had no idea