HEY YOU! Yeah, you! Thicky! Reading this on your phone! Like a thicky-thickingtons.
Researchers at the University of Texas have discovered that you are likely to be more stupid just by looking at your smartphone. So you're clearly thick.
Just by having a mobile phone in your eye line, researchers discovered that you are more likely to fail at simple tasks and remembering stuff because you're just soooo stupid.
In fact, it just has to be in your pocket. Or your bag. It just has to be there and you, Mr Thickly McClotted Cream, are going to be stupider than if you had it set to Do Not Disturb. Because you know it's there and you waste your valuable brain cells on thinking about it instead of the matter at hand.
Even if the phone is switched off, knowing that it could be on is enough to make you think about how it could be on - and the more of a phone addict you are, the thicker it makes you.
"Although these devices have immense potential to improve welfare, their persistent presence may come at a cognitive cost," Dr Adrian Ward, the lead author of the study told the Telegraph.
"Even when people are successful at maintaining sustained attention - as when avoiding the temptation to check their phones - the mere presence of these devices reduces available cognitive capability."
So if you want to get anything done but all you can think about is SnapApp and CandyRope, then the best thing you can do is leave it out of the room. Don't think switching it off in your bag works. It doesn't. Get that sucker well out of the way.
520 students were tested and they were an average of 10 per cent thicker than coffee made with cornflour if there was any chance of so much as thinking about their phone, and with slower reactions too.
"We see a linear trend that suggests that as the smartphone becomes more noticeable, participants' available cognitive capacity decreases," said Ward. "Your conscious mind isn't thinking about your smartphone, but that process - the process of requiring yourself not to think about something - uses up some of your limited cognitive resources. It's a brain drain."
It's not the first time we've heard some bad links between your phone and your brain. Only this month, a report found that giving your child a phone is like giving them a gram of cocaine, whilst in 2015, Kaspersky revealed that smartphones were giving us "digital amnesia".
So, put down your phone. Put it down, in another room. There. That's better, it feels more like we can have a sensible conversation with you now, you THICKY. µ
But don't expect laptop prices
Vulnerability targets hardware created by Infineon Technologies
Expect something commercial in 2019
Ex-employees say bugs were stolen and used in future attacks