HEY THERE ROMEO, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A COLD FEELING, blank staring, sex sack of potatoes with which you spend your evenings and weekends?
Well wait no more. There is a man in Spain who has made a thing that might meet your needs, but would probably terrify anyone else who came across it
Meet Samantha, the plastic hole bot. We met her in the Metro newspaper and instantly wished that we had not. Samantha's creator, Spanish engineer Sergi Santos, is proud of his creation and presumably happy to stick his wang in it.
He reckons that Samantha is keen on human affection, perhaps she should let her face know, and enjoys being touched.
"Samantha is interactive," Sergi said. "Basically she likes to be touched. She has different modes of interaction - she has romantic, she has family, and she also has sexy modes"
"You can touch Samantha in the hands, you can kiss Samantha, she likes to be kissed... Normally she likes to be kissed always, and also she responds to, basically, the G-spot and also the breasts. She can also respond to the hands. So basically the hands are family, the romantic, the hips are family and romantic, and basically the spots where she feels sexy would be the mouth and the G-spot."
Again. Tell her face. She looks like she is contemplating nothing but cold blooded murder. To be fair to Samantha she is no push over, and apparently must be romanced before she can be debased. She also likes Ed Sheeran, so at least he's in luck.
"She has a way of interacting, that initially she would like to be romantic, she would like to be family, and you get to a point that she wants to be sexual," Sergi adds
"The objective, the final objective of the sexual mode is to give her an orgasm."
Samantha is on sale at a website called Syntheaamatus.com and costs thousands of pounds. To be honest, you could throw a stone and hit a female Ed Sheeran fan, but she probably wouldn't thank you for it.
Duo attempted to infiltrate the network between January and March this year
Rail bosses branded stupid shunts
Rumours of its death still look completely ridiculous on your face
Some software upgrades never get past amber