BENEVOLENT TELECOMS BEHEMOTH BT is being forced by circumstances beyond its control* to reluctantly** raise broadband prices for the third time in 18 months.
Broadband subscribers will be required to open their wallets £2 wider per month, Infinity Fibre is up by £2.50 per month (or £30 per year) and both BT TV customers will be required to pay £3.50 extra per month for the privilege of watching Robbie Savage burble inanely on BT Sport next season.
And that's not all. BT is also planning to raid the pensions of old people (the only people who still use land lines) by increasing the price of various call plans, as well as adding an extra penny to calls charged by the minute to 12p for land lines and 16p for mobiles, while craftily upping the "set-up fee" for the simple act of connecting a call by two pence to 21p.
BT Sport customers watching via Sky TV boxes will also have to cough up an extra. It's up by £1 to £22.99 for non-broadband customers, and up by £1.50 to £7.50 if signed up to BT broadband.
BT claims that the BT Sport price rises will fund new cricket "content", including the opportunity to watch England get humiliatingly smashed in the forthcoming Ashes Test series, and to watch some grown men punch each other in the gentleman's sport known as "boxing".
On the plus side, BT is munificently freezing line rental prices, so you can escape the price rises by ditching BT and shifting to anyone else except TalkTalk***.
The latest price rises from BT comes just six months after the company last raised prices and is the third price rise from BT in 18 months.
Still with us?
Quaintly, if you're a customer BT will be sending you a letter in the post to tell you how lucky you are.
BT consumer CEO John Petter, mainlining his inner politician, claimed that customers would "get a better package and improved service … in exchange for paying a little more.
"Millions will have the chance to upgrade to faster broadband and almost a million will be able to upgrade to enjoy unlimited usage for no extra cost."
And, he purred: "We've taken care of low-income customers by freezing the price of BT Basic and capping call costs. We've also frozen line rental, which will particularly help customers who only take a traditional phone service from us."
Ofcom, meanwhile, struck an insoucient note in response.
"We understand that many people will be disappointed to find out their provider has increased prices, but our rules ensure they are protected," a spokesperson told INQ.
They continued: "In line with Ofcom's rules, BT is giving customers 30 days to exercise their right to exit their contracts without penalty.
"As a result, customers are free to take advantage of competition in the market and choose an alternative service that best meets their needs and budget, should they wish to."
Which is pretty much as close to ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ as you can get. µ
* uncontrollable greed
*** because who in their right mind would do that?
Is it coz it is hack?
No reference points. No mercy
Google Play may need a new door man
Claims its approach to open source is better