HONEY G is more influential than Carol Vorderman, Google Pixel beats Amazon Echo, and dog birthday cake sits alongside Jaffa Cakes. It can only be Google's Year in Search list, which is back (back back!! - as they used to say in Smash Hits) for 2016.
Given what a year it has been, it had to be a doozie. Overall, the most searched term was Euro2016, which is apparently some sort of feetballs contest. This was followed by Pokemon Go (remember that?) and David Bowie, knocking Donald Trump into 4th. Prince was more searched for than the EU referendum and Alan Rickman beat the Olympics, which in turn beat the US Election and weirdly, Deadpool.
In sport, Euro2016 was more searched for than the Olympics, and UFC beat the Paralympics. News stories saw Brexit beat the US Election. Further down the list, there was Hurricane Matthew, Brussels Attack, Zika virus, clowns, Harambe, Toblerone, BHS sale and Nice attack.
You'll notice that nowhere on this list is there any reference to Syria. Must have slipped people's minds as they munched on their tiny Toblerone.
Speaking of tiny Toblerone, Donald Trump was, of course, the most popular politician, followed by Theresa May and the late Jo Cox, despite her murder not being picked up as a top 10 news event.
As the dead pool (not that one - though we wonder if that's what some people were searching for) grew in 2016, no one overtook David Bowie in terms of most searched, though he had all but 10 days of the year to build his tally. Second was Prince, with Alan Rickman, Victoria Wood, Muhammad Ali, Terry Wogan, Christina Grimmie, David Gest, Pete Burns and Caroline Aherne making up the top 10.
The sheer number of people who we lost this year, means that the likes of Sir George Martin, one of those who could be classed as "the fifth Beatle" didn't make the cut, even with eight months of the year to be searched for in. Ditto Paul Daniels, who polled some searches. But not a lot. (for any of our foreign readers, that was his catchphrase, we're not being disrespectful. Well, no more than usual).
The most searched films were Deadpool, Suicide Squad and The Revenant. Famous Men were Conor McGregor, Sam Reece, and Paul Pogba. Top women were Meghan Markle, Stephanie Davis and Honey G. (Chris has no idea who five of those people are).
TV Shows: Strictly, Celebrity Big Brother (which is still a thing), Making a Murderer (remember that?) Stranger Things, Westworld, Game of Thrones, The Night Manager, The Missing, Marcella and Planet Earth 2.
So no Grand Tour, no Mr Robot, no Better Call Saul, no Elementary or Sherlock, no Doctor Who, no Bake Off, no Orange is the New Black. Mo Farah, Hannah Cockcroft, Andy Murray and Jessica Ennis-Hill are among those who don't make the sports list, which is headed by Conor McGregor, Paul Pogba and Kimbo Slice. (Chris is now crying in the corner)
Top West End show was Harry Potter of course,
Tech: iPhone tops the list, with Samsung Galaxy S7 second, then Google Pixel, Sky Q, Amazon Echo, Nintendo, Amazon Fire TV, Fitbit Blaze, Playstation VR and iPad Pro.
Hey, Microsoft! Do you see your devices in there? Noooooo. Come to think of it, aside from the iPhone, Apple is notable by its absence too.
Let's get on to the really fun stuff. The questions.
What is.... Pokemon Go? Brexit (there's your argument against referendums)? The Single Market? THE EU? a coup? Article 50? Bastille Day? today's weather? Sky Q? the mountain of butterflies?
These searches are dominated by basic questions about Brexit - we wonder if it adds fuel to the fire that the public weren't properly informed before the referendum.
Where is.... Brussels? my polling station? The A Word filmed? the Britannia cruise ship today? Eden filmed? Love Island filmed? Malibu? Rio? V Festival 2016? Oceana?
OK, so basically we're a bunch of would-be stalkers of TV shows. Though "Where is Brussels" is something of a worry.
Also, apols if we've missed something, but Oceana is either a small town in Virginia or they mean Oceania from George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four. The latter feels more appropriate.
How to... play Pokemon Go, Lose Weight Well, Stay Young Go Live on Facebook, vote for EU referendum, get an Irish Passport (post-Brexit!) make slime, appear funny, apply for British citizenship, accept myself for who I am.
A fine display of the human condition here. We're all unsure of our identities and want to be different and nicer to ourselves at the same time, be funny, be British and not British and most importantly, make slime and show it live on social media.
Fashion advice included How to clean White Converse (Carly? Is that you?).
Cooking included how to "make" mashed potatoes and fried rice (these are the same people allowed to vote in the referendum?).
Beauty included How to curl hair with straighteners and how to make hair grow faster (put some cow dung on your head, leave it there for six months, don't wash, trust us).
Specifically, hair questions included "What haircut should I get?" and "What is Balayage?"
Top 10 recipes included Blueberry Wine, Greek Salad (it's a friggin' salad!), Jaffa Cake, Hot Dip (was this definitely a recipe?) and finally, Dog Birthday Cake. we'll just say that last one again... Dog Birthday Cake.
This is life in the UK in 2016. And you're very welcome to it. µ
But you've got another, er, six months to wait
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