(Morning, a suburban middle-class kitchen. we hear the sound of heavy footsteps on some wooden stairs. Kevin appears clasping what looks like a brightly coloured paperweight).
KEVIN: Mum! Mum! They mentioned me in INQUIRERS again.
MUM: (played by Felicity Kendall) That's nice dear. What is it this time? Would you like a vat of squash and this entire victoria sponge cake? You're a growing lad.
KEVIN: Yeah, mum, of course I want cake. So right, I was reading INQUIRERs on my phone and there was this thing about the new Windows 10 Insider Preview Build 14901 for PC. But it's not really about anything because the annimaversary update was last week....
MUM: (getting a word in edgeways) Chunky Kit Kat dear?
(Mum clearly isn't listening, but indulging her son anyway. She has an iPad 2 but never uses it to save battery)
KEVIN: MUM! YES I WANT KIT KAT. SO anyway, you know how my phone is like the best phone ever because it runs Windows and that the annimaversary update isn't out yet for Windows Mobile even though it is for Windows?
MUM: Yes, dear
KEVIN: Well it says in INQUIRERS that there was this blog by Dona Sarkar, Software Engineer, Windows and Devices Group, and that he said "we are starting off by releasing PC builds from our Development Branch first and then start releasing Mobile builds a few weeks after. Right now, the team is laser-focused on preparing to release the Windows 10 Anniversary Update to Mobile devices and we think we’re almost ready."
MUM: Right dear, and what has that got to do wi....
KEVIN: And it said in INQUIRERS that they need all the millions of people that probably have a Windows Phone to make sure they're on Build 14393.67! Maybe that's why it isn't out this week like they said.
MUM: OK dear...
KEVIN: Stop interrupting Mum - don't you see? I'm the millions of people! They're probably going to write one of their funny writes about me.
MUM: Is this the magazine on the television with the swearing and the angry kitten?
KEVIN: GOD! YES MUM! It's INQUIRERS!
MUM: Well that's lovely dear. While I've got you here, your Father and I wanted to know what you wanted to do for your 36th birthday next week?
KEVIN: Play Wordament and eat crisps, Mum. You just don't understand Mum! This could be the most amazing thing ever to happen to Windows Mobiles. INQUIRERS might write a play about it.
MUM: I don't think so dear.
KEVIN: You just don't understand Mum. I'm going.
(Kevin stomps back towards his cellar)
MUM: (shouting) Don't forget your spongecake dear!
KEVIN: (off camera, shouting back) I need more clean socks, Mum!
MUM: (whispers) I'll get the toffee hammer.
AI want to break free
Not making friends, but influencing people
But eager game streaming beavers will have to wait until 2020
No sex please, we're priggish