RUSSIAN INTERNET tsar German Klimenko has announced in a televised rant that he plans to stop the unfair advantage Western companies have in the country, even if it means driving them out. And it could start with a state-sponsored switch to Linux.
Bloomberg reported that Klimenko, hired by president 'Hello Boys' Putin six months ago, told Russian telly: "We are breeding the cow and they are milking it," referring presumably to the new 'udder controller' for Xbox One.
He went on to explain his plan to raise taxes on US companies to provide more opportunities for Yandex and Mail.ru.
So far, Klimenko has been so busy cleaning out his potty mouth with a bar of Imperial Leatherski that he hasn't had time to move into his Kremlin digs yet.
But don't worry. He already has an ally in parliament who is none other than Andrey Lugovoi, one of the KGB officers accused of offing ex-colleague Alexander Litvinenko with a mixture of Ceylon, Lapsang and radioactive isotopes.
Lugovoi is sponsoring a bill masterminded by Klimenko which would see an 18 percent VAT charge added to services like adverts, games, films, shop transactions and cloud computing from the Western imperialist scum to level the playing field for Russian companies that already pay it.
"When you buy an app from Google Play or the App Store anywhere in Europe, VAT is charged at the place of payment, but not here in our banana republic," said Klimento, oblivious to the hot, arid conditions required for growing bananas, probably leading to his failure to get the job of minister of agriculture.
"The way it's done in North Korea or China with its firewall probably doesn’t fit us, but it’s only a matter of time,” Klimenko added. "It won’t be fatal if Google leaves Russia. Yandex and Mail.ru have similar technologies."
Uh. No they don't.
Putin has previously referred to the internet as a "CIA project" probably as he sat astride a tank, bare-chested, oiled and crushing a potato with his bare hands in a complete lack of homoeroticism.
Russian government departments are said to be ready to shift to Linux "immediately" in a move that Klimenko described as "inevitable" after Western tech companies supported the sanctions put in place following Putin's annexation of Crimea.
“It’s like a wife seeing her husband with another woman: he can swear an oath afterwards, but the trust is lost,” Klimenko said.
Two other countries have attempted an all-out switch to Linux. One of them, China, which promised "dewindowsification", a word straight from a Mary Poppins out-take, has suddenly done an about turn after Microsoft appeared with a large wad of money and permission to use Baidu as a search engine instead of Bing.
The other is North Korea, whose Red Star operating system has more restrictions and lockdowns that the telly in a Travelodge. Except a Travelodge won't have you executed for watching porn.
Klimenko's melodrama seems a bit misplaced, and sadly we haven't been able to see the whole interview, and even if we did, we don't actually know the Russian for 'fuck-knuckle' anyway. But, nevertheless, if he invites you to a Starbucks for a cup of tea, it's probably best to smile and decline. µ
'Some of us like the misery'
That'll surely affect its credit score