EVEN GREAT ARMIES FALL but none quite so comically as Apple's fanbois.
That undeserved feeling of entitlement at belonging to modern technology's great bastion of smugness has been wiped away as Apple and its faithful stumble from one Iphone 4 problem to another. In fact there are so many problems that we thought it would be rather handy to make a failure log of the Iphone 4. Let the flogging commence.
Prior to the purchase of the Iphone 4:
1. Makes you stand outside and fraternise with other fanbois
During purchase you realise:
2. Apple is using the Iphone 4 to make a stand against white supremacists
3. After investing hours of your time, that you are compelled to fork over a small fortune for a handset
4. Apple is forcing you to purchase another micro-SIM as the one from the Ipad purposefully won't fit
5. And finally, sign up for life changing tariffs and realise that mobile operators' limitations mean you can't even use Steve Jobs' latest creation
Once penniless and out of the door you realise that the Iphone 4 has:
6. An antenna so dodgy that even Delboy wouldn't stick it on his three wheeled van
7. A proximity sensor that doesn't know where you are
8. A stroppy screen with an acne problem
9. A needy personality, wanting to clear your calendar and email so it has your full attention
10. Movie software that is so useless it makes you look like Michael Winner
11. Components that are worth barely 10 percent of the total amount you will have committed to pay.
Immediately after parting with £500 at least you can palm a device that seems like reconstituted technological garbage safe in the knowledge Apple is on top of the whole situation. That is, until you realise that the fruit themed toymaker would rather stick its head in the sand than admit its Iphone 4, a device that must have had a whole five minutes of testing before it went out of the door, has problems.
The saddest part of this whole saga isn't the fanbois who are left short-changed holding a phone that can't even make a call but rather their efforts to solve the problems by clutching at straws.
Here are the best or rather the most technologically inept solutions so far.
Apparently all that's needed to fix the dodgy antenna is a bit of tape, but perhaps adding is not the answer, how about cutting even more off the SIM card? Not only are fanbois forced to sign up to another contract because Apple has physically altered the micro-SIM required for use between Ipad and Iphone, according to some bright spark shaving a few millimetres would actually help with reception difficulties. Clearly smaller SIM cards increase antenna performance, which is why the Iphone 4 is the first to have a micro-SIM.
Do you feel those solutions lack the artistic verve that an Apple fanboi should display? Fret not, nail polish will do the trick. But why resort to giving your money to another church? You could just go to your local Iphone scrap heap and buy a plastic gutter for your shiny Iphone. Expecting Apple to help? You'll have more luck finding hen's teeth, because Apple surely isn't going to let you use your Iphone without forking over another £25.
Follow the Dear Leader's advice, just hold it another way or better still make it appear to break something else, the laws of physics. Good reception is just one hair accessory away. Worried about looking like an 1980s tennis player? Don't be, simply attach your £500 phone to the side of your head using a 2-pence rubber band. But wait! There's more, oh wise one. The Iphone 4 uses ear lobes as its secondary form of input.
We lambasted Steve Jobs for calling the Ipad "magical" but actually it's the Iphone 4 which is truly magical, being able to break the space-time continuum with its duff proximity sensor. It has led to users losing control of their devices. Thankfully for users, because so much of the Iphone 4 is broken, we don't have to worry about The Rise of the Iphones.
The solution to this and the aforementioned spotty screen? Nothing. Short of switching it off and holding a mass Iphone 4 burning, users must be patient for Jobs to come out with another hand-to-mouth "fix" for his legions of impoverished fanbois. Of course you could try and go to the church but expect to be stonewalled with a barrage of patronising questions.
At least Microsoft Exchange users haven't been left in the lurch. Here Apple was relatively quick to come out with a bodge, dumping a "profile update", though the firm is saying that for best results, "The profile should be installed on as many IOS [Iphone OS] 4 devices at your company as possible." Of course a better alternative would be just not to bring any shiny toys to work.
So let's recap and give you a run down of the solutions that you can pick to compensate for Apple's cumulative technical genius to produce a phone that really doesn't work all that well.
1. Gaffer tape
2. Nail polish
3. Rubber bands
4. Attaching a plastic dustbin as a shield
5. Not touching a touchscreen phone
7. Attach a 1970s bakelite phone to the back
9. Apply for the job of Iphone antenna engineer
10. Not buy an Iphone 4.
We think the last option is bang on the money but we'd like to hear what you rank as the best solution and perhaps add to the wealth of engineering knowledge that clearly exists within the Iphone 4 community.
As the saying goes, "You pays your money and you takes your chances." Or, in the case of the Iphone 4, you pay again. µ
This weeks in-brief Google News
To replace them with younger models
Security firm warns that IoT devices are the next target
But don't go expecting any new MacBooks