HBO'S STARTUP COMEDY Silicon Valley is aiming to do for the tech world, what House of Cards did for politicians - expose all its foibles, but with a thick layer of parody and sarcasm. Here, we round up our favourite words of wisdom and advice from the new show.
On improving the planet
Goolybib founder: "Hello! Whoo! I got seven words for you. 'I love Goolybib's integrated- multi-platform-functionality!' Yeah! Whoo!... ! But seriously, you know, a few days ago, when we were sitting down with Barak Obama, I turned to these guys and said, ok, you know, we're making a lot of money. And yes, we're disrupting digital media. But most importantly we're making the world a better place. Through constructing elegant hierarchies for maximum code reuse and extensibility."
On Asperger's dating options
Dinesh: "Holy shit, this one is looking for a ‘relationship that has the potential to become sexual in nature'... Boy, is she on the spectrum. She can't even make eye contact with the camera."
Richard: "Jobs was a poser. He didn't even write code."
On what makes a good startup
Elrich: "Show come promise... like Nip Alert... It gives you the location of a woman with erect nipples... That's what people want."
Pitch of the week
Unnamed pitcher: "Bit Soup, like alphabet soup but ones and zeros instead of the letters. Cause binary... Binary is ones and zeros."
Best response to a pitch of the week
Erlich: "I know what binary is. Jesus Christ! I memorised the hexadecimal times tables when I was 14 writing machine code, okay? Ask me what 9 times F is. It's fleventyfive. I don't need you telling me what binary is, just like I don't need you thinking about soup or taking pictures of it."
On local people
Gavin Belson: "It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall, skinny white guy; short, skinny Asian guy; fat guy with a ponytail; some guy with crazy facial hair; and then an East Asian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group."
On PR bullshittery
Gavin Belson: "Hooli isn't just about software. Hooli... Hooli is about people. Hooli is about innovative technology that makes a difference, transforming the world as we know it, making the world a better place through minimal message-oriented transport layers. I firmly believe we can only achieve greatness if first we achieve goodness."
On the success of others
Bighead: "Fucking Goolybib, man. Those guys build a mediocre piece of software that might be worth something someday, and now they live here. Money flying all over Silicon Valley but none of it ever seems to hit us."
On the meek inheriting the earth
Richard: "For thousands of years, guys like us have gotten the shit kicked out of us. But now, for the first time, we're living in an era when we can be in charge. And build empires! We could be the Vikings of our day."
If this has whet your appetite - and you don't want to pay the Sky or HBO subscription fees to actually watch the episode - you can also read our Silicon Valley overview. µ
Won't become subject of a Taylor Swift album
Unlike, say, users
Promise comes just a day before Ofcom releases long-awaited report