RUSSIAN OFFICIALS have switched their iPads for Samsung tablets to avoid any US spies’ prying eyes.
The country famed for its KGB intelligence service, double agents and general air of paranoia clearly is all too familiar with the dastardly spying methods in use by governments and has decided to take the drastic step of banning iPads from the Cabinet.
We can imagine there are several disgruntled government officials secretly cursing their president for making them buy a whole load of duplicate songs they can't transfer from iTunes to Google Play, and stopping them from being able to sync their documents from their Macbooks, just to get a bit of extra territory in the region.
According to the Moscow Times, Russian communications and mass media minister Nikolai Nikiforov said the disappearance of iPads from Cabinet meetings was unrelated to international sanctions over the Crimea region, but was caused by "purely technical" security considerations.
This was different to the reason he gave earlier this week, when he cited US surveillance as the reason for the ban. Nikiforov cited a Wall Street Journal article, which said the US was rushing to expand satellite coverage and communications interception efforts across Russia, Ukraine and the Baltics following Moscow's occupation of the Crimea.
"Americans are openly announcing a massive information intelligence effort against Russia," he said.
"US security services have put an end to the further use of US computer software and hardware in Russian government and related sectors."
However, by Wednesday he'd backtracked from this message, we like to imagine after president Putin pointed out he'd just got to the penultimate mission of GTA 5 on his Xbox One.
Nikiforov explained that he was simply suggesting Russian companies should be more careful in their choice of device, rather than actually banning the use of certain products. "[Government agencies and companies should] very carefully treat their choice of information technology partners [when] certain countries may launch a massive information intelligence effort on the territory of Russia," he reassured everyone on Wednesday.
While the iPad ban will remain in effect, Nikiforov denied that the measure was aimed at introducing any limitations or sanctions against Apple in particular. Although of course it does mean that Apple has been singled out as evil by the Russian government.
And for anyone taking Nikiforov's latest suggestion as advice rather than an order, we'd imagine a visit from the KGB will swiftly follow. µ