I am the mother of your children. Whither can I fly, since all Greece hates the barbarian? - Euripides, Microsoft Medea Center
CHIPMAKER Intel is co-sponsoring a silver screen blockbuster this summer that will claim moustachioed aliens are the biggest threat to Earth.
Intel, best known for its blockbuster flop Itanic, has decided to join forces with Toshiba and co-sponsor a film that will be named The Power Inside. In what promises to be a classic of the silver screen, the plot will claim that aliens sporting 1980s pornstar moustaches present a clear and present danger to humans.
Of course Intel, with its chips powering laptops made by Toshiba, will apparently "play an important role in Neil's [main character] journey of self-discovery", though judging by the trailer, the laptops might end up being the most animated objects on screen. Despite having B-movie plot credentials, the two firms have managed to pay enough money to assemble established actors including Harvey Keitel for this cinematic feast that promises to be the biggest box office success since the incomparable Zyzzyx Road.
As for the plot of The Power Inside, The INQUIRER is unsure whether our vocabulary can accurately convey the greatest story since War and Peace, so we left it to Intel's scriptwriting talent. The firm eloquently said, "The film's plot follows an alien invasion by a race of extraterrestrial moustaches and unibrows who take over the upper lips and eyes of people around the world." No classical boy meets girl love story here.
Intel continued, "The main character is Neil, who together with his friends and the help of technology discovers his inner strength to defeat the moustache and unibrow invaders called Uricks." You couldn't make this up. But Intel can.
Of course Intel these days is all about social activities, so the firm is looking for people to take part in what will surely give Hollywood academy members pause for thought when it comes to dishing out the award gongs next year. The firm wants people to upload photographs that will then have moustaches applied onto them, for that authentic Hollywood visualisation cinema-goers have become accustomed to seeing.
Far be it from us to suggest a role, but Intel's chairman Andy Bryant sports an impressive moustache. Luckily for Intel's investors, it seems that Bryant has impeccable judgement and decided to keep his day job until a bigger role turns up.
Intel has already made available a pulsating trailer that beautifully sets the scene for what can only be described as the greatest action thriller, mild horror film since Jaws 3D. And with Intel providing a stepping-stone to stardom for people who want their faces digitally abused, who are we to claim that this is shaping up to be a load of old Tosh. µ
Sign up for INQbot – a weekly roundup of the best from the INQ