MAKER OF SHINY TOYS Apple has a poor reputation for releasing its Iphones with annoying bugs, so The INQUIRER has come up with a list of likely things that could wrong with your Apple device.
The Iphone is believed to suffer from an infrequent problem of turning into a pile of salt. One Apple employee we spoke to, Ima Madeupname, said that this is actually an intentional feature that should only activate when you've ordered fish and chips and the chipper is out of salt. Madeupname also suggested this could be particularly useful when the snow arrives, as you can sprinkle the salt on your front walk to get to your car or a cab without breaking a leg.
Losing your phone signal is one thing, but losing you ear is quite another. We've seen reliable reports that certain versions of the Iphone grow teeth and attempt to chew your ear. It's not known if this is to fill the void left by a lack of battery power or if it is just teething problems. According to some reports, Apple is hiring technicians and dentists to fix this issue.
Your Iphone might get up while you're not looking and saunter down to a local pub, where it is likely to be found by a total stranger and sold for $5,000 after becoming extremely intoxicated. The chance that this might happen appears to be several million times more likely in the case of Iphone prototypes.
The next Iphone is likely to come with an update to Siri that will help it become sentient, but an expected bug will mean that it will only be able to feel the emotion of hatred, which won't do Iphone users much good. We heard that Apple won't pay for the years of counselling your smartphone will need, making the Iphone an even more expensive option.
There is also the strong possibility that the next Iphone could grow wings and claws, which it will use to carry you back to the supreme overlords at Cupertino. We're not certain what goes on there, but we've heard rumours that captives are forced to swear to buy every Apple product that is released for the rest of their life. Some speculate that the recent static noise in calls is actually the fluttering of leathery wings inside the Iphone case.
Iphones might mute themselves and turn invisible, a trick taught to them by Apple's many stage magicians. It is not known if this is actually a bug or a way for Apple to increase Iphone sales when people seem to have 'misplaced' their smartphone.
Perhaps the worst thing that could happen is that your next Iphone could become a Windows Phone. This possibility was likely programmed in from the beginning, with Microsoft plotting to look like it's trailing in the smartphone game but really plotting world domination. It is believed that Google is assembling an army of little green robots in preparation for this eventuality. µ
Plus the cost of ambition as moonshots eat into the coffers
Spoiler alert: it's probably VeriSign
Did we say cuts off? We meant traps them inside their own home