THE INQUIRER'S SOOTHSAYERS have revealed shocking predictions for the outcome of the heated legal battle between Google and Oracle over the use of the holy Java in the Android operating system.
Our legion of Tarot readers lined up to give reading after reading about how the case will fare. Some suggested that Google will win, while others said Oracle will win, but by and large most told us that we will meet a tall, dark stranger who will factor into the situation.
One Tarot reader had a Father Ted moment when three Death cards showed up in the same reading, despite there only being one in the deck. She suggested that this would mean one of the two companies would lose the case. We think this is a reliable prediction.
Our long-serving astrologers, who sometimes double as weathermen, told us that if Jupiter aligns with the Sun on the date of the judge's verdict then Google will win the case, but if Saturn aligns with the Sun on that date then Oracle will win instead.
If Mars is in conjunction with either of these planets on judgment day then the results of the case will cause members of the losing party to jump out of their seats and attack the others in what will be described in media reports as "a classic Jerry Springer moment".
If Venus is in a trine with Jupiter and Saturn the case will be resolved amicably, with both parties agreeing to share Java and Android, and with each firm's executives agreeing to marry their sons and daughters off to the executives of the other company.
One of The INQUIRER's staff members managed to hobble away from the bar long enough to cast some runes upon the floor. We could barely catch what he said amidst the slurs, but we think it was something along the lines of "a great empire will fall."
Using our patented time machine, the Inquisitor, we travelled back to 1555 and spoke with Nostradamus, who told us, "The giants shall meet in battle, and there shall be a great clamour. A little green robot will emerge from the smoke. The oracle will not forsee." Analysts have largely dismissed Nostradamus as being unreliable, however.
Our geomancy reader, Bob, predicted that in 10 years time we will successfully predict the outcome of the case.
The INQUIRER asked one person if they believed our predictions and 100 per cent said they did. µ
Sign up for INQbot – a weekly roundup of the best from the INQ