How to tell if you are living with hacker Louise Boat

AS READERS of The INQUIRER will be aware, a dangerous female hacking menace has been discovered named Louise Boat. Although we have to give credit to Sky News for first exposing this shady lady, here at The INQUIRER we're determined not to rest until the truth about the notorious Louise Boat has been fully exposed.

We've spent the last week tapping our sources across the globe - the same well-informed tipsters that supply the Daily Mail with scoops - and have found out some revealing details about Ms Boat, known as LuBo to her friends.

Would you believe that Boat is a loner who never really fit in at school, who spent her days in her parents' basement with the only friends she could find - virtual ones? On leaving school at the age of 15 with no qualifications, she went through a series of dull jobs including bakery assistant, golf buggy driver and milkwoman, but never managed to stick at them for long.

LuBo's mother, Mrs Jeremies, who remarried after a messy divorce from Mr Boat when LuBo was only 10, told The INQUIRER of her despair over her strange daughter.

"I just wanted a little princess who I could dress up in pink and take to ballet," she wailed.

"Instead I ended up with this moody kid, who if we could ever get her out of the basement to speak to us, just wanted to talk about HTML this and tethering that. And now she's gone and got herself involved with these dodgy hackers, whatever that is, and what will all the neighbours think?"

According to one of LuBo's friends whom we managed to track down via Facebook, she had recently started a relationship with someone in her online community, a 20-year old who goes by the tag 'Mister Ship'.

For any mothers reading this who are worried that their son might be dating Louise Boat, or that their daughter might become the next LuBo, just answer the following five questions about them.

Does she watch:
a) Wizards of Waverly Place
b) Loose Women
c) A fast moving IRC chat

Does she wear:
a) Jimmy Choos
b) Flowery dresses
c) A monocle and top hat

Does she read:
a) Heat
b) Take A Break
c) News Corp emails

Does she eat:
a) Lettuce leaves and diet coke
b) Magnum ice lollies and custard creams
c) Three day old takeaway pizza

Is her cat:
a) Hello Kitty
b) A tabby cat
c) A Nyan cat

If you answered mostly (a), your daughter or son's girlfriend is a typical girl. If you answered mostly (b), she is a girl going on middle aged woman. If you answered mostly (c), she is Louise Boat. Call the police now to save her from getting into even deeper trouble. µ