Apprentice hotshots show how not to develop mobile apps

THE HIGHLIGHT of The INQUIRER's TV calendar, the BBC's Apprentice, is back this week. This year the producers granted us a special favour and included a technology-themed episode, giving us a plausible excuse to waste our evening on such low-brow entertainment.

Wednesday's episode saw the 15 candidates getting down with the kids and designing mobile applications, or as Lord Sugar kindly pointed out to us, 'apps'. Lord Sugar used the episode to remind viewers of his own technology expertise as the brains behind technical game changers such as the Amstrad e-m@iler.

Nick Hewer, one of Lord Sugar's trusted advisors, seemed less taken with the chosen theme. He spent most of the episode muttering about himself not really being the target market, and pulling a face that we could imagine Steve Jobs making when being told that Windows Phone 7 is going to challenge the Iphone for sales. Clearly not an Android fan then, Nick?

Neither of the apps was ever going to challenge Angry Birds' dominance at the top of the charts. The girls came up with Ampy Apps, which played annoying noises and sounds to 'surprise' friends and family. The choice was rather limited - a baby screaming, some cheering and clapping, and a few animal impressions. Strangely the app displayed a picture of an elephant, although no elephant sounds were actually included.

The boys opted for Slang-a-tang, a 'hilarious' selection of regional UK accents repeating hackneyed phrases, plus an Aussie thrown in for good measure. We can't quite remember all the phrases, but we're sure 'Throw another shrimp on the barbie' and 'Cor blimey, lets get up the apples and pears' were both in there.

Despite a woeful performance at a gamers' convention keynote, the girls ended up winning - apparently the global audience doesn't quite get the UK's fascination with geordies, scousers and cockneys.

This left The INQUIRER to ponder next year's technology-themed Apprentice episode. Perhaps the first team to successfully hack into the Xbox Live network (maybe an episode brought to you in association with Sony)? Or the first to find yet another buyer for Skype, as Microsoft realises the $8.5bn price tag was perhaps a touch overblown? µ