How to work in an Apple Store

THE ALTERNATE REALITY of Apple is a secretive one where every operation is shrouded with mystery. So it is with some gratitude that we thank Popular Mechanics magazine for its help in creating this guide to working in the average Apple store.

The magazine has published an article that breaks the Apple code of silence and tells you all you wanted to know about working one of its iconic stores, but were afraid to ask. Those of you who are about to start, or are thinking about, working in the famous Apple Stores should be prepared to accept more than just moronic questions, as it's pretty likely that you'll be dealing with some less than savoury customers.

The INQUIRER's guide to working at Apple therefore starts with the suggestion that you leave some of your sense of dignity at the door.

Apple buyers, it seems are running at high levels of gittery. "Its amazing how badly behaved some customers are. I have seen customers have complete meltdowns and get phones exchanged that were like two years old," said an unnamed Apple pip to Popular Mechanics. "They scream, cry, curse. And it works. People can be horrible. Sometimes it's like working at McDonald's, with better pay. I've never been treated so badly in my life."

Bitching and wailing oiks are one thing, but manning the desks at an Apple store is also likely to bring you into contact with people who might like to ice you, or put a cap in yo' ass. The unlocked Iphone, if we are to take what we read as fact, is the drug dealer's handset of choice, so perhaps it might be wise to wear a bulletproof vest underneath that regulation polo shirt.

Speaking of pushers, even though Apple's are not paid on commission, they are encouraged to pimp out some additional services to customers, such as Applecare and Mobileme, the latter of which is allegedly something of a challenge.

Those that excel at pushing these and other cherries from the Apple Ithings range will find that they do not have to endure regular meetings with management about 'Why?'. So any meeting-adverse job seekers having an aversion to intense selling might want to look elsewhere.

"We have a posted list of our metrics, and you can see everybody else's. It shows you how much money each person is pulling in for the company," said the insider. "If you aren't doing very well, you start getting manager meetings, and they sit you down and try to figure out why you aren't selling more." Ouch.

If you do want to suggest that Mobileme is a good product, and are prepared to challenge a drug dealer on why he is using a dead man's identity to buy a phone, then you will enjoy working in a store that has a homelike feel. That is, of course, if you read the phrase "like a cult" and think 'homey'.

"They give us all this little paper pamphlet, and it says things like - and I'm paraphrasing here - "Apple is our soul, our people are our soul." Or "We aim to provide technological greatness,'" said our man in chinos.

"And there was this one training session in which they started telling us how to work on our personality, and separating people into those with an external focus and an internal focus. It was just weird."

Don't be too concerned though, as there is more than a fair smattering of security personnel on hand. Of course they are really there to make sure that people don't wander off with any Apple juice, but it's pretty likely that even the undercover ones will step in if things start to get wacky at the Genius Bar. µ