THE FRUIT THEMED seller of broken Ithings, Apple is calling up the faithful for another hysterical, 'magical' religious experience, or product release as the rest of the world calls them.
According to Reuters, Apple has booked a hall in San Francisco for a press event on 1 September.
Well, we say press event, but Apple only invites those who will give Steve Jobs a standing ovation and write glowing things about what ever he says is "super, cool and magical". Press with any objectivity, or immune to Jobs' infamous reality distortion field like us don't get invited.
Traditionally announcements made in September are Ipod related. However since this is silly season we will provide our predictions of things that could come out of it, as well as our list of things that will not happen at the event.
1. Release of a new Ipod Touch model that will make all existing Ipods have to be replaced. One idea is that it will have a camera.
2. Information on the next generation IPad that will have all those things that users actually want, other than Flash.
3. An Ipad mini that will be slightly smaller than the Ipad but does not require a weightlifter's shoulders to hold for longer than five minutes.
4. Details of the ITV service that will offer an episode of your favourite programme for 99 cents. But content will only include those programmes that Steve Jobs deems suitable for family viewing. Not the Addams family of course, more Pat Boone's family.
1. Steve Jobs apologises to users for shipping a broken Iphone 4 and promises a recall for a new model.
2. Jobs admits that security on Apple products is so backward that it belongs in the 1970s and promises to fix it.
3. Apple agrees to allow jailbreaking of its products and says it is sorry for trying to control users' lives too much.
4. Steve Jobs announces that he is leaving Apple after running off with a soft-porn star who was doing his meet and greets at conferences.
5. Apple announces it is sorry for lowering the standards of the world by flogging over-priced gadgets and pretending they can make technically illiterate but nerdish kids appear successful.
6. Steve Jobs backs down on Flash and says sorry to users for keeping it off his machines and cutting them off from a large chunk of the Internet.
7. Price reductions on Apple products to match those of PCs with similar specs and an apology for ripping off users for so long.
8. Steve Jobs brings Larry Ellison on stage and gives him a big hug for suing Google over the Android OS, then calls him on an Iphone 4 and offers to buy him lunch.
9. Following advice from its Chinese partners, Apple announces that it will be installing nets all around its buildings in Cupertino. Since these are mostly one storey high we are not sure how much this will help.
10. A promise from Steve Jobs that he will no longer drive around in cars with no licence plates and will stop parking in disabled parking spaces.
We look forward to seeing what happens. µ