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Apple hires a Secret Police
PURVEYOR OF RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE GADGETS, Apple has hired a secret police force to keep its black shirted employees in line.
Gizmodo has confirmed the existence of a division that reports directly to Jobs and Oppenheimer.
Dubbed the "Worldwide Loyalty Team", its sole function is to purge Apple stores of people who are not rabid fanboys or toeing the company line on everything.
Apparently the division has moles who are ordered to report deviant activity amongst the staff and management of the stores. High on the list are people who might be talking to the media.
According to a source at Apple called "Tom", even the store managers do not know who the moles are, but if they report that something is wrong then a team of black leather clad Apple secret police arrive. They will contact whoever is the most senior manager in the building and ask them to coordinate the operation.
All mobile phones are taken and examined for evidence. Iphone data gets backed up onto a laptop including text messages and pictures.
Chats between employees are forbidden while Apple's secret police investigate and no one is allowed to call outside.
If an employee does not want to participate, they are basically asked to leave and never come back.
It is all presented as being voluntary and everyone asks you nicely to do it. But if you don't do it they will fire you. They will also ask you to sign NDAs during the investigations.
If they find evidence the person is asked to leave the premises quietly, escorted by security. Often they are threatened with lawsuits first.
As Gizmodo points out, the existance of a secret police force is an indication that Apple has changed from the "happy hippie" company that made computers that caught fire to a company that does KGB-style lockdowns and interrogations - and whose machines crack. µ
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Ugly American,
Did you even look at the author's comments on that youtube video? I'm guessing you didn't because if you did then you would have realized that it's fake. People never fail to disappoint me these days. Just when I think mankind can't get any dumber I see people treating a fake video as if it's gospel.
What on earth has happened to people that they'll believe anything they see online or in print? If someone doesn't have any morals they could get rich off fleecing all the gullible buffoons out there.
This is from the same company that brought you the "1984" commercial.
Guys,
Its all true. I was in an Apple work camp in Siberia for 6 years mining aluminum for Mac book pros.
My Crime ?....well I unintentionally walked into an Apple board meeting while I was looking for the bathroom, and what did I see ?......Well Steve Jobs and the board had their masks off, and they are all Lizard aliens Goddamn, and they swallow small windows users whole !....netbooks and all !
The secret Apple police (known as SAP) , who regularly patrol Apple offices and stores arrested me with their iPhones (they have ray gun apps installed...yep there is an app for that)....they shipped me of to Siberia to work the mines in a spaceship made strangely enough of glass and aluminum.....it looked as if it was made from one piece of metal..very bizarre....., it looked expensive....but adorable and desirable and the same time
Anyway, after 6 years in the mines I escaped and now I am on the run from SAP. Please believe Gizmodo they like me would never never make anything up :-)
Heh.
Oh, and BTW did you see the guy Steve Ballmer fired for saying "BING!" without enough enthusiasm?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GM4Lt5k24s
Merry Christmas, eh?
Think of that the next time somebody asks you for help on any Microsoft product.
I think it's reasonable for a firm to expect employee loyalty, but some trust is also needed. If the article is true than Apple management have some serious trust issues with their employees it would seem.
Apple users/customers are a loyal group of people in my experience. They think that the Apple product will be better than the rest, and that's why they're willing to pay the over inflated prices I believe.
However I was in a specialist Apple shop yesterday and couldn't help but notice the almost reverent atmosphere of the place? Is Apple a new religion in the making I wonder?
Dear Pedant, you wrote...
"quote: towing the company line on everything.
And where are they going to tow the company line to? It should be TOEing the company line!"
It should be...
To where are they towing the line?
or
To where are they going to tow the line?
But apart from that I love you for correcting the glaring error (that is the INQ).
As nick performs a copy/paste on the Gizmodo story, any sense of the country of original is completely lost.
Employment law varies greatly from country to country, but in the UK even Apple would have problems performing a store lock-down and insisting staff stay after their shift has ended.
Sure they could sake the employees, but then they can also be prosecuted for wrongful dismissal.
Perhaps this is just the first stage of a bigger plan. Apple could extrapolate this initiative to consumers. If they have evidence (gathered via your purchasing history and customer questionnaires) that you are not a total and complete Apple fanboy/girl, your warranty period is decreased and you receive a poorer grade of service as "punishment".
If, however, you have sold one or more of your children into slavery to buy yet more gleaming Applegadgets, then you get "Golden-Apple level" service to encourage your addiction to spiral out of control.
Alternatively, I guess Steve Jobs could just seek some therapy for his God complex.
hahah LOL, this fucking company is tiny ant king at best and they are trying to do this to their employees? LOL
i hope the 800 lb gorilla kills steve jobs, how ironic, steve kills the other steve
Horrors upon Horrors, IBM also had a dress code. Yes. I know how hard it is for you to believe it. IBM used to require you to dress in a suit, white shirt and a tie.
You were expected to be loyal to the company and work hard to make profits for the boss. But, IBM never when as far as the Japanese and forced you to sing a company song before work.
It is so much better now when people can come out of school, and think that the company's job is to take care of them, not the reverse. Young people have the right idea; they can demand a high pay for little effort and no responsibility. This is so multi-cutural. Who cares if these attitudes wreak havoc with companies?
Don't worry, there is always government employment. And pretty soon at the rate at which Obama is going, we will all work for the government. Won't that be grand? We can sit around, doing nothing in our Potemkin Villages, and live like kings.
From the description given in this article, the nda would not stand up because::
1. They are signed under duress
and
2. The employee recieves nothing in return that he did not already have.
This would lay the groundwork for a disatisfied employee to quietly turn on the recording function on his mp3 player and then upload the audio of what took place during the proceedings of whatever investigation occurred. It is helpful to be sure to have it recorded in the audio that you are recording the proceedings. This can be accomplished by replying to any question given while scratching ones head. "let me record, you are asking?" and that should be enough to let it stand up in a court of law as well.
... would believe anything. LOL the Inquirer and Gizmodo as your bible. There's no hope, none at all
Jobs is too cool! Apple is the new Chritian Scientists! PC is everyone else in the Universe. Let the heathens rage.
Actually, as bad as Gestapo has been portrayed, and it was rife with evil people, it was nothing compared with Cheka/OGPU/NKVD/KGB "security" apparati of Bolshevo-Stalinites.
But then, St. Eve of Jobs is a paranoid conspiracy nutcase, just like his lord and master, the evil Stalin.
Anyone who buys products from Apple is a Commie lackey and a drooling libtard.
Apple Gestapo are ruled by the Fuhrer Steve "Adolf" Jobs.
Just like Volkswagen, Mercedes etc, their products will be bought and treasured by "victims" and the victim's families, incredible as it may seem.
The only apple I ever bought was a fruit I could eat. I wonder if I could patent the Apple?
it has been invoked..
I love how all these big corporates demand and expect total loyalty from their staff but give none back in return.
They screw their staff over every chance they get and then act all hurt and surprised when a minion screws them back.
As far as loyalty goes folks, you dont owe the company any! They will drop you like a ton of bricks the first chance they get.
When companys remember that the staff ARE the best asset they have rather than cold hard profit for stockholders then that may change a little.
Until then you have my permission to raid the pen and Post-its cupboard and throw 'a sicky'.
quote: towing the company line on everything.
And where are they going to tow the company line to? It should be TOEing the company line!
Does anybody really want to work at Apple anyway?!
After this and all other nonsenses one would have to be a blank retard to want that...
If Microsoft instituted this policy it may even result in a good product.
In Germany they would call these people "Geheime Apple Store Polizei"...any known associations are pure coincidence, of course...