The Admen Cometh to a game near you

I HATE ADS. Especially TV ads. Anorexic models, squeaky clean families and sell-out musicians plugging everything from nail polish and lemon-scented bleach to debt consolidation and diet drinks. I'd be classed by an ad agency as a "clicker" - someone whose lightning fast remote control reflexes means I'm financially useless to them and therefore, worthless. Not even Kirsty Gallacher's ample assets is enough to drag my eyes to the so-called cream of world adverts. And as for ringtone adverts - just give me a roll of duct tape, a sawn-off shotgun and 60 seconds with that damned frog.

Still, they help fund all those programmes about house selling, wife swapping and manufactured misery (aka "soaps") that we all love, apparently. And now the admen are coming to the world of computer games - not for the first time - but this time they can smell the green. Don't fight it though, because it's as inevitable as a middle-aged beer belly.

As reported on the INQ, Intel has signed up with an ad agency specialising in in-game adverts to promote it's chirpy chips and lifestyle wares. It joins Coke, Dunkin' Donuts, Honda and others. The massive online game Everquest 2 is already trialling a facility that allows you type ‘pizza' while playing and be connected via a little pop-up ordering window to Pizza Hut. Dragon slaying no longer has to be interrupted by hunger. As soon as my local off-licence signs up, I'm there. The agency generating all the fuss - Massive - has deals with 10 computer games development companies and expects ads in 40 games by the end of the year. Using it's software, Massive will place billboards and other signs in the games which will refresh automatically as players kill their way through various levels. To start, all the games are PC-based and online but plans are afoot to do the same to the millions of net-connected consoles out there. Advergaming, the term coined by those smart little spinners, is set to generate hundreds of millions of dollars every year. Right now the figure is tiny - between $10m-80m - against the $12bn in US TV advertising alone. There's no point railing against this invasion of the game world. The only thing I'm surprised about is that it hasn't happened sooner.

Usually, spinners can spot a new ad opportunity from three galaxies away and brand a running dog's arse with a ‘Drink Coke' logo before it knows what the hell happened. There are a number of reasons why the world of games is now so attractive. The main one is that games have become more popular than TV for most men aged between 18 and 34. Consoles like PS2 and X-Box have taken gaming out of the PC in the bedroom into the living room. Games are now outselling music sales in some parts of the world and the fact of it all is that as long as men can kick back and kill things, we're happy. There's lot of psychological posturing going on right now about whether gamers will accept the new changes. Frankly, as long as the ads are not too obtrusive, they won't care.

We are bombarded with ads everyday, everywhere, and having some scrawled on a dungeon wall as you charge past after some cowardly goblins is not going to freak gamers out. Obviously, online games companies are going to have to tread carefully here since pissing off gamers can result in the hordes leaving your online world for another. Getting the balance right will be key. So what can you expect? Apart from the interactive food/beverage ordering pop-ups, there will be billboards, hidden adverts, lots of graffiti, and product placement. Don't be surprised if your much sought after Elven Boots of Speed come with a Nike brand on the side, or your magical Health Potion just happens to be called Pepsi. Within the games, markets and trading areas will have links to real Web sites while your local boozer, The Orc's Head, will be sponsored by Miller and Ye Olde Elven Wet-Leather Armour contest can be seen in full at the Playboy site. Character's in the game may end-up trying to sell you real products, which is OK, as long as you can cleave them in two with your Wilkinson sword if offended. So, if you like your fantasy world pure and devoid of real-life connections - tough. Next time you come across a typical in-game female character - you know, the ones with unfeasibly large hooters - just you're your eyes peeled for the tattoo with a number of her plastic surgeon.

You have been warned. µ