Bill Gates pledges to dominate the charity market

Insiders say Gates has been holding secret talks with top strategists as he plans total dominance of the charity sector. "Bill Gates may or may not revolutionise the charity market," said Stoopy De Gunt, an ex-journalist now working in the bland-statement-issuing market research sector, "But if he did, I wouldn't be surprised."

The Hambleton Group has already granted Gates's charity ‘tragic quadrant' status, without being offered any visible financial inducement. "Gates' Foundation is already in the top three key ‘heart sink' arenas," said De Gunt, "and we expect even more impressive numbers in the next couple of quarters."

The key battlegrounds are expected to be breast cancer, child poverty and AIDs. "These are the blue chip charities, with rock star endorsements and which offer rich media-coverage streams," said the sycophantic twot, whose market reports always dovetail perfectly with the marketing message of whoever commissioned the ‘research'. "It's a wise choice, as these charities are likely to be steady kudos earners, and will never go out of fashion."

But Gates is also ready to take a punt on the non-photogenic charity case community. He's acquired a number of smaller, funky charities and is even getting involved in a few start ups.

However, this has brought the Gates Foundation under fire for its aggressive tactics in the charity sector. After a homeless charity refused to sell its magazine publishing empire to him, the founder of Microsoft was accused of stealing its ideas.

This was described as absolute nonsense, and entirely without foundation, by Michael Parsnips, PR manager, at the launch of charity magazine, The Bigger Shoe, which will be sold by tramps outside shopping centres. "I think you'll find that we patented the Dog on a String channel before it became a big issue," said Parsnips.

"In the words of the judge, we left that court without a stain on our character," said charity patent attorney Todd R Slaughterhouse III, junior.

The Gates Foundation will be a breath of fresh air in a hostile landscape, gushed Mick Smetaphor, MD of PR Techs One Century, "he's going to raise standards, blow away the cobwebs, and allow all the boats to rise together while we sing from one song-sheet," he said.

One of the most radical improvements in charity will be a tightening of the benevolence supply chain. Channel expert Shaw Tarse, an ex-news editor of shrivelled title Microscrote, promised there would be ‘a bloodbath in the channel'. (Mind you, he always says that). "I think the days of the Mom and Pop store in the high street are numbered," said Tarse, "so I expect a lot of old ladies are going to get canned."

The UK contract for box shifting stinky old clothes and unread self-improvement books may be handed to a slicker operation, with a web presence. "If you're not online, you're in the third world," said Steve Unlockie, MD of Basingstoke-based distributor Computer 200, "you have to do the numbers or you're out."

Some other charities are complaining of unfair competition for funds. Once all charity shops have been forced to close, under regulations introduced by the government, shortly after Bill Gates has bought himself a knighthood, all charity will have to be collected online, in a system compatible with the Gates Foundation's new FurQ system.

Any charities that aren't compliant with the Gates Foundation fear they could struggle to attract donors. Those that have complied are already complaining about being forced to upgrade to a new system, FurQ 2.

Many fear that FurQ 2 will need constant patching, forcing users to pay for security upgrades from the Gates Foundation's resellers.

Meanwhile, a new system for SMEs, FurQ OnTheDesktop, has been mooted. Another version of the system will provide charity solutions to the entertainment industry, but FurQ UptheArts is reportedly open to viruses.

"Don't knock it, this is progress," retorted Steve Nockie, at Computer 2.5. "We just don't like winners in this country do we? He's not running a fugging charity, is he? Oh, er, OK. Maybe he is. Well frott it, we all need to make a buck don't we?". µ

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