Roots of the INQ revealed

BOFFINS cannot be sure quite where the INQ began, but it almost certainly was first started on the Isle Magee in Northern Ireland.

It is fairly typical of things Magee, that the island, which is East of the Isle of Muck, is not an island at all, but a peninsula.

The first settlers on the "island" grew beans and people who hailed from that region were nicknamed bean eaters. Thus it is recorded in the Anals of the Four Old Farts*, that there was a terrible wind upon the land as the lesser Irish bard Jameson MacGeek composed his first lengthy diatribe against Intel's roadmap.

Unfortunately, no one knew what Intel was in those days and MacGeek's first, second and fourth diatribe remained unnoticed for centuries. His third diatribe against the perils of not buying a round, however, made him a celebrity and guaranteed that his writings remain with us today.

One of the only things that remain from the days of Jameson MacGeek on the Island is the Ballylumford dolmen.

Known locally as the "Druid's Altar", this dolmen could be 4000 years old. It was from here that MacGeek, while under the influence of a primitive form of methylated spirits predicted the rise of the Volish terror and the stalking of the land by Chipzilla, a giant reptile said to straddle the world.

So persuasive was MacGeek's prophecy, particularly around chucking out time, that many Irish built watchtowers to see off the coming attacks from Voles and Lizards.

St Patrick, when visiting the Ireland decided to eradicate this terror by claiming he had banished all reptiles from the land. St Patrick, it has been noted, was probably the first Saint to die of Vole bite.

The Isle of Magee also had a reputation for witchcraft and in 1711 Janet Mean was pilloried after the last trial of its kind in Northern Ireland. Mean claimed she belonged to a coven which called itself, in Hebrew letters, Heh Peh. She said the group made a compact with the devil who appeared in the form of a smoking man. µ

*One of the Old Farts was almost certainly the Very Reverend Alphonso Spinola (Hair Doktor) who is still on the staff.