HP management purges down to weirdness surges

PERHAPS LATELY we have been a little hard on HP's upper management, so we thought that it was time to add in a little humour to a series of otherwise near fatal management mistakes, courtesy of Dilbert.

Perhaps this may not be so funny in the light of what's happening now, but this installment is about management purges, and since everyone knows they don't feel pain like we do, we can make light of the situation. How light? Well satire has nothing on reality this time.

You might wonder why the former Compaq managers didn't speak up? Well, maybe they did, maybe they didn't, but either way, they are almost all gone. Maybe they were purged because they spoke out, but no matter what, they haven't aired their dirty laundry. What happened to them you ask? Well, it was a cunning plan, the 'benefits' of which will be felt for years.

There are two major call centers in Australia, Sydney, the site which supported field employees, and Melbourne, which did other things. When HP engulfed Compaq, there were redundancies. Normally, a sane individual would assess the teams, and pick the strongest, and get rid of the weakest, possibly pulling exceptional staff from the doomed part.

That didn't appear to be the New HP Way, however. HP unleashed the pink slip wielding HR personnel in large numbers. They fired, retrenched, and let go anything that didn't run away fast enough from both organizations. Once morale was sufficiently in the toilet, they started the fun stuff.

Some bright spark decided that Sydney could do Melbourne's job better than Melbourne, and Melbourne could do Sydney's job better than Sydney, and switched the responsibilities of the sites. Brilliant! Well, not really. Anyone with a brain, both management and staff, ran screaming, and those left mainly didn't have a clue. What was the purpose of this move? A lucky stroke of corporate synergy that allowed the New HP to server the clients better? Nope, management purge. Few managers were transferred to the new location, most were just let go, or worse. Those who witnessed it called the suave corporate maneuvering 'ham-fisted', but it accomplished the goals.

With no one who cared or had a clue left, things could go on the 'old way', which we talked about before. As we said, with management and senior staff gutted, there was no one left to fix the problems that arose from the reallocation of resources. Senior management, you know, the pencil pushers, were making technical decisions, and doing it in fine form. That is the backhanded way of saying horseshit job for those of you who have English as a second or third language.

Could it get any better? Sure. In the job swap, they left one thing intact, the systems that support the workers. Yes, they moved the jobs, but not the databases. This meant the Sydney staff was using Melbourne databases, and Melbourne was using Sydney databases. As you know if you have ever called a support center and have been told 'this will take a second, the computers are slow today', you know what happened once a customer got through the wait queue. If you are thinking about banging your head against something made of brick while thinking about this, imagine how the workers felt.

The results, as you already know if you have been following this irregular series, is chaos, non-existent morale, and customers making like cockroaches after the light was turned on. Good job, but at least it got rid of those pesky whiners who were complaining about people screwing up. No one complains publicly now, they are too busy cowering. There is one bright point in this whole debacle, the cost savings. I am sure, deep in the bowels of HP accounting, a beancounter was handed a report on the success of the cost saving measures at HP Australia, and he smiled. Victory! µ