Shop owners use water cannon on hoodies

CHILDREN WHO wear hoods are being flushed from the streets of Britain by jittery shop owners armed with water cannons as the war against young people reaches new heights.

The development is the first tangible result from the Department for Communities and Local Government's Fortress Fund for besieged shop owners. It is offering to kit them out with a variety of Coercive Cohesion Devices (CCDs) to protect them in the War against Little Terrors.

The streets were awash with scum last night as shop owners deployed the first water cannon to be used by civilians against civilians on British streets.

Barry Bonse, a hardware store owner in Bedford, said it was time to clean up the streets: "The last 10 years have been great for us financially, but the community's problems always come washing up on our doorstep".

The government's Coercive Cohesion policy, unveiled last night, will involve arming shop owners with a panaptoly of devices with which they can force their community to fit their ideas of what it should be.

"We are attempting to implement an pre-industrial, romantic idea of pastoral community on post-modern inner-city streets," said a statement written by public relations graduate contracted to work for the government

The plan is shops to be guarded by 24-hour, automatic CCD response batteries. Controlled by facial-recognition CCTV, they will automatically track and herd children with hoods using a range of coercive devices including water cannon, tazers and electrified bison nets.

Children will have on-the-spot fines and anti-social behaviour orders sent to them through the post when the facial recognition cameras have matched them against government database records. CCTV images taken when they are disciplined are to be posted to social networking websites.

Freddie Faceless of Acme Multinational Chain Stores, who had advised the government on its cohesion policy, said in a statement: "We don't want these sort of people in our community. They don't have any money to spend and they don't go with our new look".

Payant Patel, a newsagent from Putney, said he was doing his duty as an upstanding member of the community by hosing down the streets.

"When I was a kid, old ladies in hair nets were always sharing jokes over the garden fence," said Patel. "They were usually joking about us, but at least there was a sense of community".

"But kids don't today don't have enough respect. You can't clout them around the ear without getting sent to prison. You can't tell their parents because no-one knows who they are. There's too many immigrants, that's the problem," he said. µ