Queen buys Apple

ELIZABETH the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, and Defender of the Faith, has bought a nice looking and reassuringly expensive iPod.

According to the Current Bun, Her Majesty, who never has cash with her because apparently she doesn't like the way her face is engraved on her coins, has somehow managed to buy a 6GB silver model for 169 notes and coins with her own picture on them.

According to the Sun, under the headline 'My Husband and iPod', Prince Andrew who is fourth in line to the throne behind Charles, the boys and a corgi named Winston, were behind getting mummsie the gear. It was also his brilliant idea to get the Queen a mobile phone, which increased Ladbrokes' share price overnight. "The Queen loves music and was impressed by how small and handy the iPod is," a royal insider* apparently told The Sun.

We assume she is not searching the royalty free or pirated stuff.

If the thought of the Queen trolling through Apple's online jukebox, iTunes looking for "hits" is a little too much for the frontal lobes, the Sun assures its readers that, like most things, she probably has a footman to do it for her.

The pocket-sized digital music players can hold up to 10,000 downloaded songs. God knows what the Queen listens to, no one has asked her and you can't ask a speak to a Queen unless you are spoken to first, which is a little tricky if one is wearing one's stupid headphones. We know that Tony Blair, the alternative Monarch in this particular Glen, is a big Cliff Richard fan.

* WHEN the Sun uses the term a "royal insider" it means a footman or gardener who the hack met in the Rose and Crown in Windsor the night before. The footman gets about £100 and a pint for the tip. There is a good chance that the Queen has never noticed the leaking staff member before and the reporter is inclined to help him or her develop his information. I know this, because like Dave "Lord Bostoon" Evans, I used to work for the Sun.