This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication - Western Union memo, 1876
What's required is something to restore the public confidence in being British again. Hence the INQ is urging Simon Cowell to look seriously at its proposal - the Morris Factor.
Basically, troupes of Morris dancers would be called in to compete against each other for the grand prize. Participants would be judged, for example, on best use of bells and squeeze-box; longest beard and most dented pewter mug.
There might, of course, be a public backlash. There is a well known saying, "You should try everything in life at least once, with the possible exception of incest and Morris dancing."
Opinions differ as to exactly who actually said this. Naturally accustomed to cheating in pub quizzes, the INQ sought outside help.
[image_library_tag 8538/http---www-ewellmorris-co-uk-.jpg' alt='http://www.ewellmorris.co.uk, ,default]
Sending the question to 82ASK (82275) revealed that this quote has been variously attributed to Thomas Beecham and Arnold Bax. "Most agree that its Beecham," said 82ASK.
Asking the same question of AQA (All Questions Answered) by sending the question as a text to 63336, revealed that this service was adamant it was Arnold Bax.
To break the impasse, the INQ tried a WAP search via Lycos. This revealed what we first thought, that the quote was actually made famous by Oscar Wilde.
He reputedly said, "You should try everything once, except incest and Morris dancing, so I suppose I should be a bit more open-minded."
Interestingly, because the word incest was included in the search, Vodafone's automatic adult content filter kicked in and prevented us seeing the opinions of at least one WAP site. µ
Sign up for INQbot – a weekly roundup of the best from the INQ