Letters from the Fireside

Hello again, and what a pleasure it is to recall the little ditty, reminiscent as it is of my own halcyon days as a young man boarding at Birchington Public School, deep in Kent, but only a jam tart's fly from Thanet where I presided over the inauguration of Ramsgate Science Park this week.

As our carriages sped through the glorious Garden of England, I couldn't help but recall the proud history of Birchington, where fags were throughoughly birched for just looking at a senior, or for not buttering his muffins properly.

In fact the school derives it's name from the "birching ton" - a hundred lashes for not smiling when you're caned first time round or had your head flushed down the toilet. I would not have been the man I am today without the birching experience, and my old alma mater has gone on to produce many a fine cabinet minister, myself included.

But this is by the by, as I am here to talk primarily about Ramsgate Science Park. I was accompanied on the trip by The Inquirer's photographer Mr Michael Magee and our batman for the day, Mr Tony Dennis, responsible for replenishments.

Sadly, Her Majesty the Queen could not be present for the inaugural ceremony, but as she told me when I inquired of her diary: "You're mistaking me for someone remotely interested in that IT crap. Piss off - and give me back my garter."

What a wonderful sense of humour Ma'am still has!

But, despite the lack of Royal presence, the opening of the Science Park still proved to be a landmark occasion. Our local host for the day was Lady Charlotte of Margate, or 'Charlie' as she likes to be known and who, after the inaugeration ceremony, invited us aboard her yacht for a spin around the coastline.

Years ago seals used to populate Ramsgate Harbour and as a former smack boy, I naturally brought along a cosh. Luckily for us, there was one seal still living it in the harbour and I was indeed able to smack it over the head a few times. How we laughed as it kept coming up for more!

But by this time Charlie was heading to sea where she said she had an engagement with another of the nautical fraternity, Red Hot Dutch. I must say, though,Charlie is a wonderful piece of womanhood. Standing at the helm, 6ft 6in with hands like dustbin lids, bulging muscles covered in tattoos and slight beard, she reminded me of the Jolly Jack Tars who used to roam Ramsgate.

For the occasion Charlie had kept her skipper's, full regalia jacket on but had removed her trousers in the sun and instead wore a bright pink thong. It brought tears to our eyes, and Charlie's too - given the tightness of the thong.

But unlike most women, Charlie proved to be as practical as any man at the helm and also instructed us to keep an eye out for something she referred to as "those 'effing Custom boats" as we headed off for our rendezvous with Red Hot Dutch.

It seems that because of Britain's reluctance to join the Euro, trading off this part of Thanet is more of a bartering nature. When we finally met up with the Dutch vessel, Charlie was able to acquire a large bag of flour in exchange for some "motorbike spares", though I must say the latter looked for all the world like a crate of AK assault rifle components. As for the flour, it made Charlie sneeze profusely - but then, silly, woman, she would insist sniffing it "for purity" every five minutes. By the end of the tip of her beautiful, albeit slightly red veined and pock-marked nose, was covered in flour and her vision quite glazed. We nearly capsized at Goodwin Sands.

But, then, Lady Charlotte must find this flour bartering profitable as it has provided her with the means to provide the first £5 million of seed funding for Ramsgate Science Park. This sum is now being matched by HM Government, with generous tax incentives to venture capitalists around the world to follow suit.

US financiers, especially, might wish to leverage the potential offered by Ramsgate Science Park and I am accordingly sponsering trips to the area for foreign wallah dignitaries and VIPs. Discounts on hotels, travel and thongs are available through my department.

Once again, Mr Tony Dennis will be our batman for the occasion - once his vision has cleared - and Mr Magee the official press photographer, providing he desists wiping both the camera lens and his nose with the same cloth. µ

Letters from the Fireside I