Dear Sir, I am no prude, but…

NO ONE EVER GOT FIRED for overestimating the stupidity of the public, as a famous geezer once said. And readers' letters - to any publication - are a fine example of this.

When a missive begins 'Dear Sir, I am no prude,' what they actually mean is 'I am a prude'. The statement 'I like a laugh as much as the next man' is patently only true if the next man in question has been dead for several weeks or is a member of the Jimmy Carr fan club. Or both.

What They Say	What They Mean
I am no prude	I am a prude
I like a laugh as much as the next man	I am a miserable git
I am no Intel Fanboi	I have a picture of Craig Barrett over my bed
You are an idoit	I am an idiot and cannot spell
I've never read such rubbish	I am a Fox News viewer
Do you get paid for writing this crap?	Got any jobs going?
Why do you hate Apple?	I have an ill-advised ponytail and have just been released from a secure psychiatric institution
You are a Microsoft Shill	Got any free Microsoft products I can have?
Linux is great	I'm 33 and live with my mother
I have an iPhone	I have no friends, or at least none I can call
That was a well-balanced piece written by Andrew / Charlie	That piece was obviously written by someone else
That was a great story from Nick	I am Nick's mum

Of course, there are many, many more, which you will no doubt feel compelled to point out to us, possibly using green crayon. µ