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Top stupid user questions
ROBERT HALF Technology asked 1,400 chief information officers from companies across the United States to come up with the most baffling questions their help desks or technical support teams had ever had.
The IT Crowd instead provided them with the most stupid questions their departments had had. These included:
"Why isn't my wireless mouse connected to the computer?"
"Can you reset the Internet for me?"
"Where can I get software to track UFOs?"
There was one bloke who called up a help desk to report that "a skunk ate my cable." Sheesh it could happen to anyone.
There was the usual "My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?" But some asked if the helpdesk could "rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?"
The IT crowd were expected to be supermen and women who could help in any situation such as "My daughter is locked in the bathroom, can you pick the lock? " and "Can you tell me the weather forecast for next year?" Other punters wanted to install cable TV on their PC.
Apparently there are shedloads of computer users who confused the CD-ROM drive with a drink holder and wanted the "computer's coffee-cup holder" to come out again. Not sure if that one is apocryphal or not.
Katherine Spencer Lee, executive director of Robert Half Technology, said such stupid questions were a test of the skills, and patience, of the help and technical support desks.
After all it takes a lot of skill to ask if they have tried switching the PC off and turning it back on. µ
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Microsoft's 4 "R" 's
"R"estart the application
"R"eboot the computer
"R"einstall the application
"R"einstall Windows

My personal 5th "R", Microsoft doesn't like:
"R"eplace Windows with Linux!


Reboots, the cause and solution to all of Microsoft's problems.

Life is too short for reboots, use Linux.
...and it don't work. Worked fine a week ago, and then all of a sudden it stopped.

My computer kindly informs, "Windows Media Center Receiver Service stopped working". What the hell??! I typed it into my own IT department (Google), here are my results:

Microsoft's advice:
1. Turn off DEP (Data Execution Prevention) by typing the following at a command prompt: "Bcdedit /set
nx alwaysoff" and hitting return.
2. Reboot and launch media center & verify you can view live TV.
3. Turn on DEP by typing the following at a command prompt: "Bcdedit /set nx
alwayson" and hit return. At the next command prompt type "Bcdedit /set nx
optin" then return.
4. Reboot and launch media center & view live TV.

Did Microsoft's advice work? HELL NO!


Then I found Joe Schmuck-head's advice:
1. All of these issues were resolved for me when I cleared out the DRM folder for windows. The folder is hidden (open computer and select organize / folder and search options).
2. Under "view" tab uncheck "Hide protected operating files" and select "show hidden files".
3. Then clean out /ProgramData/Microsoft/Windows/DRM.

Did that work? HELL YEAH!

You think your typical IT department has any clue what either advice does? Not a chancy, Clancy. They busy typing up their FAQ lists (pronounced FAH-Q) that provide no worthwhile hint at all.

Summary: IT department is stupid, lazy & incompetent, and Windows DRM is hopelessly flawed. What're you going to do when it finally breaks? You'll do what works: ignore the worthless IT dept and simply check Google (with fingers tightly crossed XX).
I once sold a computer to a lady who watched the demo I gave and took it home. Next day she called to say her computer didn't work. When I asked the regular questions, she told me that it was properly hooked up but when she pressed on the pedal with her foot, it would not turn on! Apparently she thought the mouse was a pedal like on her sewing machine.
Is Robert Half Technology a cyborg?
Where can I find the any-key?
A user in a busy office screamed into the phone and asked if I could help her wash her (mouse) balls. Everyone around her went silent. The same day another user called and said there was something hard and vibrating down between her legs, and she didn't know how to make the vibrating softer... these situations just in my first day doing help desk...life is good :)

I don't like how anyone who doesn't know or use the jargon "you" do is a moron because he doesn't communicate his issues the way "you" expect. 

For example, the user who wanted to hook up cable TV to his computer. Probably he wanted the IT department to install for him a TV tuner card. He just communicated it in simpler language. 

Hey, the doctor must think i'm a total retard when I say "my stomach hurts".
A friend was once in line at Radioshack--the guy in front was irate, because his Color Computer wasn't working--he'd attached it to the TV (used that as a monitor back then) but the damn thing wouldn't work. "Here sir, let me give it a try." As the clerk **plugged the computer itself into an outlet** the guy's eyes bugged out a mile wide and his face sagged... The computer booted up immediately. ;)
"Hello, I.T. Have you tried turning it off and on again?"
"Are you sure its plugged in?"
I can attest to the drink holder one. I use to sell PCs in the early 90s and a lady came in a told me she was displeased about her computer that she purchased. When I asked her why, she said that the cup holder on it broke. After a few seconds of puzzled blank stares from me I asked "You have a cup holder on your PC? Did you add it on? It's not a good idea to have liquids around electronics." She said "No, it came with it built in so it must be OK to put drinks on it. You just push the little button and it pops out. It was really flimsy and normal cups didn't fit so I tried my coffee mug and it broke." So I take her over to a computer and pop open a CD player and asked her if this was the "cup holder" and she said that was it.
That’s not the worse one either. We sold more than just PCs and had fax machines too. One day a lady came in and said her fax wasn't working. When I asked her what was wrong with it she said that she followed the instructions exactly but every time she put her document in it would just come back out the other side. She was faxing just fine, she just expected the document to go into the machine and magically be converted from matter to energy only to be re-mattered at the fax machine at the other end. I had so many of these stories but I have forgotten most of them. Ah the good old days.
"

"Why isn't my wireless mouse connected to the computer?"

"Can you reset the Internet for me?"

"Where can I get software to track UFOs?"

There was one bloke who called up a help desk to report that "a skunk ate my cable." [.....]

[............]But some asked if the helpdesk could "rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?"

"

Um, those are all valid questions.

'why isn't the mouse connected' - they'd likely be asking why doesn't it work when I move it around, not connected as in 'with a cable'

'reset the internet' - that is even more obvious, sounds more like they want something like their page cache cleared, passwords removed, something browser related to do with the computer remembering pages and settings

'UFO software' - ok, not something you ask for at an IT helpdesk, but yes there's hundreds of sw that turns computers into EM spectrum analysers and can be combined with the likes of telescope tracking apps

Next two, animals do eat cables quite a lot, and there are alphabetical keyboards as well as other letter arrangements bar QWERTY.

But then, nobody would hire my kind for a job in tech support, cause I'd actually do it properly and don't want to sit about with a headset on like some kind of Lobot or something.
TV on a PC is standard stuff, even someone in PC World can show you the card or box you need.

Can you ask Robert Half-wit why he didn't know this?

If software was better written then half of all techs would lose their jobs. Thankfully software is buggy!
"Can you reset the Internet for me?"

Listen, not too long ago, I called our computer center and asked why I could no longer send out mail messages. The guy on the other end asked me whether I have already tried to reboot my computer. I told him to connect me with someone who knows a bit about computers. Turned out the network STASI started to block all SMTP-based communications. Sigh.
ehh, i have cable TV on my pc,i use something called : "a tv tuner" duh...
.. you then ask them, Is it plugged in?
When man said to use KillFilters, I asked which brand, thinking meant filter cigerettes. Computing uses words from old language & gives completely new, never heard before meaning.

ie. throw it under bus= bus isn't controlling data thruput, throw blood on scarecrow=add fan over it,blood being that Warm, preheated air circulating within box. & use six shooter, instead of 4 bit comparisson chip, six bit comparisson chip, to run cooler, as two lanes are always at rest. in todays thirty two bit world, that'll be 40 shot shooter.

Song Lyric: SHOTGUN, DO JERK BABY....SHOTGUN.

So odd terms are invented out of sky & Most believe it & I, Ultee'_Tom, am sole inventor. 

Next Commentos: American Investor Bonds could Ruin You.
drashek

Why are people encouraged to complain about the jobs? If it weren't for the hundreds of inbred ass-hats we deal with everyday in the IT support field, all of us Techs would be out of a damn job! Be thankful people are too damn lazy/stupid to figure out things.
Glad you added the only response HelpDesk are able to provide there at the end.

I think a list of dumb responses from IT would be funnier. When locked out of a machine due to stupid multiple passwords and slow updating network ours always ask me to click a button to allow them remote access - if only I could see the button I WOULD ALREADY BE LOGGED IN AND NOT CALLING YOU!

Or my PC won't switch on (2 weeks after IT support moved from on-site to India) - can you allow me remote access? Sure - you knock yourself out!

And my favourite bit, at the end of the pointless call (where having failed to help you with any of the 3 things you rang up to get support for) - the standard script they are told they must use - Is there anything else I can help you with? Err, no just those THREE things you have failed to help me with. As you couldn't manage that why would I waste more time on the phone with you?
It's not a test of the "skills", but a test of the "wills".
On the User side, it's the will to blindingly ignore any semblance of logic or reality and continue with bone-headed determination to bother the HelpDesk until the situation has been resolved to his "satisfaction".
On the Tech side it is the will to stay calm, find the words that drive the moron to someone else and, above all else, not snap and spew forth hours, weeks and months of frustration on a possibly innocent moron in a blast of foul language and unabiding hatred for all that ignorant in order to keep the paycheck coming and not have to give up that studio on the seventh floor without any elevator in the building next to the highway.
How about trying to access someones PC over LANDesk(remote control software) ,you need to click yes to allow remote analyst to take control when the box pops up ,upon asking the user to click yes ,when the box pops up ,I waited..
After 2 minutes of silence ,I ask whether the user has clicked yes ,to which the user responded ,it said something about allowing the person to take over my PC and ofcourse I am not gonna do that...
They should have weeded the prank-calls from the genuine stupid questions.