In Development: The Boxing keyboard

BRITAIN'S OFFICE WORKERS are not so soft and unfit that they would end up as Lord Brocket's bitches if sent to prison, according to research by the Hambleston Group, which commissioned the study to coincide with the announcement of its revolutionary new, boxing-based PC keyboard, the Hemingway.

"Office workers are the opposite of macho. They have light, nimble fingers that dance across keyboards, and a cosy controlled environment. Horny handed sons of toil they're not," warned Jon Bernstone, CEO of the Hambleston Group. "These days they don't even have to get up to walk to the printer. They're half man, half desk."

Until now, that is. Because the Hambleston Group has invented a keyboard that will give office workers back their testosterone. The Hemingway range of ‘boxing keyboards' will, they claim, relieve stress, build confidence and give office workers a challenging work out. All this can be delivered within a few keystrokes. Well jabs.

The Hemingway is a specially 'giganticised'© keyboard, with massive pads for keys, demanding brute force. Punching is the only command these rugged pads understand before they yield any characters on screen. The four-foot high, eight-foot long keyboard has to be mounted on its side and is designed to wrap around its users, forcing them to stand in order to see the screen. Capitals can only be typed by delivering an uppercut. The user is constantly forced to move round, jabbing the keys that are immediately available, and reaching others through hooks, right crosses and haymakers.

"This combination of punching and bobbing and weaving is an ideal work out for the office worker," says Bernstone, "it's character building in both senses."

The Hambleston Group claims its workers were given the Hemingway to use in their lunch time to punch out angry letters. Some allegedly then demanded to use them all the time.

The Hemingway's cathartic mode of input could relieve stress, Dr Carey Cooper, at Manchester University might have added, if we'd phoned him.

In the US, the Hemingway effect has reportedly already transformed the lives of office workers, where they're ranked above cowboys and construction workers for machismo. "Only prison daddies and IRA terrorists are more romanticised by Hollywood," said Todd Hackenbacker III (junior), executive editor at the Hollywood Reporter.

Meanwhile, Brad Pitt is set to star in 'Desk Jockey' a film about a bought ledger administrator whose lunch time work outs help him rebuild his confidence, ultimately winning the presidency and fighting off an invasion of British-accented aliens.

However, critics pointed out that the Hemingway is nothing more than a development idea and a keyboard manufacturer is still needed to turn the design concept into a product.

Interested developers should email runninglate@blueyonder.co.uk. µ