The INQUIRER guide to media training

IN PART ONE of this series we explained how unscrupulous hacks would sell their friends for a mess of pottage just to get a measly thousand pounds sterling out of IT firms that wanted to know how to cope with other journalists they had to talk to.

In this second part, we explain how journalists who think this is very dodgy dealing, can blow the cover of "media training" and have a lot of fun into the bargain. We also reveal what IT companies think of hacks that do media training.

The INQUIRER guide to Media Training I Discovery Phase
If it's obvious to you that the suit or suits sitting opposite have been media trained, you can either submit gracelessly or make a stand for your journalistic principles. [Shorely that an oxymoron, Ed.]

First you need to find out which backstabbing bastard has earned one thousand pounds just because you've got the job of listening to some endlessly boring presentation in some hot sweaty room at 4.30 in the afternoon on a Friday with nothing to drink but Evian.

1. Tell a Lie As the company obviously is either a) stupid enough to think it needs media training or b) has something to hide, you should resort to the time honoured journalistic tradition of telling a lie. Explain to the suite of suits that the code of the National Union of Journalists says in item 15 that you are obliged to ask whether any "media training" preceded the interview, and glare at the PR person, if present. If they refuse to say, terminate the interview and say you will be making an official complaint to the CEO of the company.

2. Scream and go psychotic Get very, very angry. If necessary, whip out your very scary NUJ card and thrust it in their face(s). Assume a very fierce attitude, scowl, tremble a bit, look like you're on the edge of a psychotic episode and insist that you know who press trained them. If they refuse, fall onto the rushes on the floor and start biting them, while throwing your limbs around and urinating, apparently involuntarily. Make loud noises while doing this. If they look like they're weaking say: "Who is it, then?"

3. Wheedle out the Truth This is a more difficult technique than the first, but will appeal to spineless journalists, or to scabs who defected from the NUJ during the de-recognition years because they were too stingy to pay the subscription and this was a convenient way out. Speak to the suit(s) in a very moderate and even fawning manner, and indicate that you do press training too, and in fact are refining the technique.

4. Create a Diversion It doesn't really matter what the diversion is, you just need sufficient time to hunt through the papers, briefcases, notebook computer etc. while the suit(s) aren't looking, are racing for the fire alarm, believe there's a berserk psychotic just about to kill them, whatever. This method can yield excellent results and also give you information about roadmaps and other company plans that you'd never get otherwise.

5. Leave Tape Recorder on An obvious ploy that can yield excellent results. (See below).

You can also attempt to use all five methods simultaneously...

How good are these methods?
We used Method One very successfully during an IBM interview at the South Bank. After we had found out that the Big Blue geezers were press trained by someone who actually worked for the company we did, we high tailed it back to the office, banged out a stiff memo to the managing director, and had the practice banned forthwith. Imagine the cheek of it! You and another journalist work for the same firm and while you're being paid a pittance, this other scumbag got one thousand pounds just to divert you from the truth...

While we were being wheeled out on the gurney using Method Two, we spotted the CEO of the company snogging the PR girl in a side room. This was an unexpected bonus for a later story but unfortunately we never found out who press trained the firm.

The Third Method was used very successfully only a few weeks ago in Amsterdam, at an Intel Developer Forum. At lunch we sat next to this nice chap from a software company who liked red wine and over the course of drinking a bottle or so each [Is this method 3(a), Mike?], he told us that a certain Mr. X had press trained him. In the hurly burly of a big press event, Method Four is remarkably easy to effect. Once we sat down at a big press event waiting for the Powerpointillism to start, when the suit next to us rushed off to talk to some important VP that had just arrived, leaving the Q&A, the background, and a lot of additional secret info for us to read before the event started. We were able to soak it all up, and as the suit returned, replace the folder, make our excuses and get down the pub earlier than we expected.

One unexpected side effect of this method was that we once came into possession of a briefing document which gave the names and detailed biogs of every hack that was there for the day. Some of this material was libellous, but all of it was hilarious. As a PR flak had left it lying round, we were then in a position to use the time honoured blackmail method to extract news stories, foreign trips, you name it for quite a while afterwards. We think we'll leave the whole contentious method of press biogs for part three.

You'd think Method Five wouldn't work because it was too obvious, right? Wrong. The following true anecdote explains how this can work to a hack's advantage. A very attractive lass who worked on a UK IT weekly left her tape recorder running (accidentally as it happened) while she left to powder her nose. When she got back, the interview re-started and it was only when she got back to the office and started to transcribe the tape that she realised what a goldmine she had. Actually, the suits - in this case men - had been chatting about her legs and so on while she was out of the room, but you get the picture.

Post Discovery Phase
OK, so you've nailed down the name of the journalist who has stitched you up like a kipper. What then?

If there is something of the night about you, you can always ask him or her for a cut of the money otherwise you will....

Expose him or her to public humiliation the next time you have a chance, or...

Tell her or his boss that she or he is moonlighting and should be fired (see above), or...

Extract further company secrets out of the "media trainer" who undoubtedly has them if not about their person then in the form of notes, floppy disks, roadmaps and so on.

NB There are many other nefarious uses you can put this information to. Be creative!

In Part Three, we will publish, at absolutely no expense to you, the reader, a number of "media training plans" so that you will never need to hire a journalist to rat on her or his colleagues ever again...