The Outsider's guide to the Intel Developer Forum

IF YOU'RE ONE OF the four or so regular Inquirer readers, you're probably familiar with IDF and all that it stands for. For those not in the know, IDF stands for the Intel Developer Forum, a place where geeks and hacks alike meet to come together regardless of race, creed, religion or gender to be brainwashed by Intel.

The palava lasts four days, each day being packed full of keynotes ( Keynote n. 1. A several hour long speech designed to provoke suicidal emotions in the observer) more exciting than the last. The theme this year seemed to be power saving and Intel's new multicore technology, from what I could make out. I'm not too impressed by either, since no matter how many cores Intel sticks in, they'll never beat a bag full of apples.

The thing about IDF is, once you're there, there's no escape. IDF is held at the Moscone Center in San Francisco - which is an awesome city, by the way - and Intel stored its beloved hacks at The Argent hotel just five minutes down the road. What that means is you're never going to be too far away from Intel's influence.

Luckily for me, I was flown over in Virgin Atlantic's Premium economy class, which means extra leg room and free beer, the latter being especially important since I am under 21 and unable to drink in the States. That whole legal drinking age thing kind of sucked considering it's fine for me to drink all over Europe and, as is common knowledge, hacks, particularly Inquirer hacks, are fuelled by alcohol. It was important that I got sufficiently tanked up on the plane to last me for an entire week or so. The altitude helped.

The day after arrival in the US, the INQ was kindly offered a road trip around California by a loyal reader. The tour was fantastic, but the jetlag and 90 degree weather was not so amazing. Anyway, it gave me an idea of what to expect during my stay in the US, which was all day Denny breakfasts and strip malls (see second paragraph).

After the tour came the IDF initiation, beginning with a fascinating presentation about, erm, something or other. Followed by an equally interesting speech from a University of Berkeley professor about IT in developing countries where it was revealed to us that none of India's 25 dams are safe. A quick escape was required mid-keynote especially considering that, after an hour and a half (or what felt like it) we were only on slide two of five. The rest of that day was spent milling about being introduced to a mixed funbag of hacks and geeks and geeky hacks, all of which I would be spending my free time with over the following days.

On the topic of geeky hacks, there were all sorts of interesting characters at the show. Many of them on the extremely geeky side of the geek spectrum. Don't get me wrong, I'm a geek too, but I'm more of a casual geek. A stupid geek, I guess - the kind who's interested in shiny things and impressive 3D displays on four thousand feet wide flat screen monitors, but couldn't give a damn how they work, that's me.

When you're around geeks all day, whose conversation seems to fly way over your head, you've got to provide your own entertainment, and Kicking Pat of Intel helped me along the way. Just take a look at this Intel desktop machine I managed to get my hands on.

The next day, I was invited along to an Intel Q&A session. Unfortunately, I didn't realise exactly what I was getting into. I showed up, 3PM sharp, expecting some kind of gaming related briefing and was greeted by three spokespeople more than eager to answer all of the questions that I didn't have. So, after I was introduced (as Mike Magee's son, by the way, which led to one of the guys snorting) I, in true INQ style, sat at the table completely unprepared and endured more than a few moments of awkward silence. The half hour dragged on for what seemed like years. I was told that if I had any questions I should feel free to jump in. Of course, I didn't have any questions, so I didn't jump in.

After the embarrassment of the supposed Q&A, I really needed to unwind a little so I headed on over to MOMA, the Museum of Modern Art, which was definitely an interesting place to be. So I wandered around there for a little while, growing increasingly weary and apprehensive to make use of the benches, just in case they were part of the exhibit.

During my stay I watched more television than I would watch during a whole month at home. American TV is bizarrely captivating. I managed to see all sorts of trash ranging from "Dog the Bounty Hunter", where a team of well-armed mercenaries prowl the streets hassling people with minor offences to their names, to the classics like Jerry Springer and, of course, Divorce Court - like a low-budget Judge Judy and only dealing in divorce settlements.

Other interesting American adventures included the cafe where they demand to know your name before they serve you and call it out. I said I was Jimmy the Fish, but they only called out for a Jimmy and a slickly dressed suit insisting that I quit smoking as he walked past. There's tons more I could add, but this piece is dragging on a little now and lunch is drawing near.

All in all, IDF was an interesting experience, but the free room service was nice, so I'll end on a positive (?) note with a big "thank you" to Intel for fattening me up a little. µ