McNealy takes free shots at Microsoft

SCOTT MCNEALY didn't hesitate to slam Microsoft during his keynote address yesterday morning. His humorous and cutting remarks about the Vole were well received by thousands of conference-goers who attended JavaOne. Some of his wittier remarks:

"I was talking with a good friend of mine in the industry, we'll call him 'Bill'. I asked him what has been his greatest contribution to the market. He told me 'We separated the hardware from the software'." Scott then pulled out his cellphone and laughed, "You know, I'm really glad I didn't have to buy an operating system for this telephone. There are cars out there with 100 microprocessors in them. Can you imagine having to get online to download your left blinker software, or patch your windshield wipers?"

Once the laughter subsided he drove the point home: "They're called 'systems' for a reason. That's why we're Sun Micro systems, not Sun Micro soft. Increasingly over time we're moving toward more integration between the hardware and software." He then proceeded with a report-card style comparison of Java and .NET. Apparently Scott grades on a tough curve.

The only category the Vole could compete on was marketing--they received an incomplete for security, and Scott was kind enough to remind us "As you know, I didn't have to write a note to my engineers that said 'security is important'". He was also sharply critical of the lack of a .NET Community Process, listing off some of the hundreds of people and organizations involved with the JCP.

His conclusion listed Java as the valedictorian, an outstanding citizen and member of the community--and recommended .NET for a GED and vocational school. I thoroughly enjoyed the comparison.

Then he launched into the "Dukies", a new series of awards named after "that big tooth thing, you know, the molar guy". Didn't Green Day name an album after that guy? Christine Aguilera was supposed to hand out the awards but wouldn't come out on stage. Scott did fine without her.

The NYPD won the "Don't Mess with Java" award for their new crime-tracking software. Do the words "Minority Report" mean anything to you, Scott? More notably, HBO won the "Java in the City" award for moving their operations to Java.

"The award was supposed to be called the 'SEX in the City' award, but I was told I'm not supposed to use that phrase here in front of you all. So, from now on, whenever you see the word 'Java', I want you all to think about SEX."

I have to walk around the conference in fear of my life now, because all the female Sun employees (who commonly refer to themselves as "booth babes" strutting their Java shirts are distracting me from my work.

Damn you, McNealy! Damn you! µ