What Bill Gates did next

SUGGESTED jobs for Bill:

MC Gates – Following the footsteps of his long-time idol, Melle Mel, Bill turns to hip-hop and becomes an MC. He battles night-after-night in the clubs of Detroit while working his day job at the DVD stamping factory. In this time-continuum, MC Gatez writes a song about his estranged father who cut him off from his trust fund, calling it “My Dad’s Gone Crazy” and – oddly enough - getting sued by an artist who wrote an identically titled song.

CEO of Africa – You know he wants it. You know he’s been working on this for some time now. In one fell swoop, Bill buys out dictators and democratically-elected rulers alike (no 401k’s for them!), extinguishes poverty, cures AIDS and gives the rest of the World a well deserved stiff middle finger. The whole continent could do with some Bill Gates managerial skills. Granted, the only BASIC he’ll have will be the infrastructure, and it won’t be on his side, but he IS Bill Gates, is he not?

Back-to-the-Roots-Bill – Nostalgia strikes Bill in his late years. He opens a hippie commune in southern California and invests his entire fortune into turning Mexico into a hemp farm – the 70’s makes a comeback. Steve Jobs joins him and, in the misty haze, they manage to reconcile Voles and the Jobs Mob. Thankfully, they are no longer able to let their hair grow long.

Linux Evangelist – In a sudden shocking role-reversal, Bill Gates “sees the light” and becomes the world’s first and foremost Linux evangelist, travelling across the world campaigning against Windows. The high point of this conversion of faith is when Torvalds and Bill meet in Germany and hug emphatically, ripping apart the space-time continuum and sparking the instant conversion of all German government computers into Linux boxes.

Hollywood Movie Star – taking advantage of his enormous fortune, Bill will buy out New Line Cinema and hire Peter Jackson to bring to life the Halo movie, starring Bill as Master Chief. Action turns to comedy as Covenant grunts are depicted as smallish penguins in battle armour while Cortana is actually based on Windows 7.0 and keeps getting BSODs and/or sticking Bill up the wrong alley. With a gazillion dollar budget, he launches the movie on HD-DVD believing it will bring new business to the XBox 360. It bombs.

Rockstar Bill – Gates buys his own label, hires the best musicians and composers from across the world. Also hires Snoop Dog as personal image consultant. Bundles his first and only album with Zune 2 and is automatically inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum after 1 week on the store shelf. Divorces wife, trades-in for 20 year-old groupie with airbags. Joins the Rolling Stones becoming the youngest member of the band at age 52.

Space Cowboy Bill – Joining forces with Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic, Bill Gates becomes the biggest financier behind the commercial exploration of space. His Mars project is estimated to cost the same as 12 Longhorns. Ironically he will pick himself as the first man on Mars and the mission will tragically fail when the onboard computer on the Mars landing module BSODs while activating its retros… *splat*. Back on Earth, Sir Richard promptly pops open another bottle of bubbly and toasts the now defunct financier that left this world (literally) but whose money has banked the next-gen SpaceShip Three (software based on an open-source OS, of course).

President of The USA Bill runs as an independent and replaces all voting machines with Windoze boxes, in a process reminiscent of the Florida vote SNAFU, eliminating any option of voting any candidate other than himself. He also sets voting discipline within Microsoft, in case one of his own gets all smart-alecky and reprograms the boxes. Once elected he proceeds to withdraw American troops from Iraq and replaces them with MCSEs. As they speak no language common to man, Iraqis (on any side) find them to be perfect target practice for their age-old AK-47. Fox is replaced by MSNBC.

Vengeful Bill – Bill Gates dedicates the remainder of his life pursuing Belgian Noël Godin after the latter smashed pie all over Bill’s face, back in 1998 (talk about holding a grudge). He will also pursue smart-ass journos and other lower life forms that stood in the way of Windoze’s “success”. He also puts out a price on the head of everyone named Gill Bates and the kids that made fun of him in his youth. This will eventually land him in San Quentin prison where he will spend the rest of his life being made fun of by dubious characters. He will never take a shower again.

And last but not least

Chief Software Boffin of Microsoft In a move that would surprise no-one, the Mr. Hyde in Bill takes over and he simply creates an honorific title, bestows it upon himself, and creepily stays in charge of Microsoft deeming that he will be in charge of Future Software Architectures. Eventually clones himself and perpetuates his rule over Microsoft for the next millennia (ie: Windows 7 through 10). µ