CES: A Vegas expo virgin’s guide

MY, BUT CES next week looks to be a biggie. If you’re lucky enough to be first time in the sinful city, here’s our quick guide.

You’ll be able to see plenty of interest, judging by the advance information. But you got delayed flying in from East Midlands/ Mississippi/Taipei/ Mumbai and you’ve only got so much time so you need to move fast. That means no grazing through the booths, or reading through some no-good Show Daily free-sheet.

So you’re going to have to…

1. Treat it like a military mission. You’ve probably never read this on The INQUIRER before but: use lip balm and skin cream. You’re in the middle of a desert after all. Keep dollar bills handy because everybody needs tipping but you don’t want to give a way the big folding. Don’t be tempted to walk unless you’ve studied distances carefully as those convention centres are further away than they look. Brits might want to note that cash incentives to queue jump and share cabs aren’t frowned upon as they might be at home. Many of the drivers will be sociopaths but laugh along at their appallingly politically incorrect tirades. It’s not like you’re ever going to see them again and your friends will never find out. Alternatively, hop on a freebie bus for friends of some company you’ve never heard of. They rarely seem to care.

2. Mark out the hot products and draw a shortest-distance line. You’re probably going to want to see the new Asus Eee PC with bigger screen and WiMax, E-Lead’s Noahpad, Microvision’s PDA-style projector and maybe the new version of gOS, the OS that runs on Wal-Mart’s Linux PC. Have a look on the CES website and find out the rest for yourself.

3. By now the sun is appearing over the yardarm and it’s time for a drink. Don’t disgrace yourself by using an on-site venue full of large people staring into the middle distance. There are bars in all the hotels and a good little place opposite the LVCC. Keep your ears open. There will always be a surprise product that is the show hit, even if it’s only shown behind the scenes, and some loudmouth is bound to be blabbing about it.

4. We know you’re flagging and we feel your pain so set a completion time. Once you’ve combed the remaining areas of interest, you need to get moving to avoid the crowds. Don’t hang on to the bitter end, certainly not for the booth “parties” serving ice-cold Bud Lite and pretzels. Whatever they are.

5. The evening. You’ve worked and deserve a break. The tigers at the Mirage are OK but most of the free outside shows are very dull indeed unless you're a child. You’re a geek and so you’re probably going to one of *those* places later. Fine, it’s your life, just make sure you ask the bell hop or sociopath cab driver for inside tips in order to avoid getting ripped off/arrested. The bars in the Hilton, Treasure Island and Caesar’s are fun for a few cocktails but, if you’re who I think you are, by now the sound of the slot machines is driving you mad and you want a real pub.

6. Late. Don’t do it, it’s not going to be worth it and you’ll end up with a nasty little rash.

7. Getting the hell out next day. Get to the airport early because your flight is overbooked and you really don’t want to be the kind of person who takes a voucher in place of 24 hours of your life. But I'm not the only Vegas vet in the world. Mail me with your ideas and I'll post your thoughts. µ