No movie based on a computer game is any good

THERE HAS never been a great - or even a good - movie based on a computer game. I could stop there but then I wouldn't get paid my fortnightly ration of coffee, goose fat and beans.

I'm writing this now because before you know it your local multiplex will be swamped by toxic game-to-movie conversions. I just found out that a Halo movie has been green-lighted and while I liked the game in a run-around-and frag-for-your-life kinda way, the idea of a movie is depressing. After a quick look around I also discovered that some other games-based movies are getting the big screen makeover: Far Cry, Splinter Cell, BloodRayne etc. Others that have been assaulting the senses include House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark, both by the much-loved Uwe Boll.

To put them in perspective, the wonderful movie review meta-site Rotten Tomatoes, which collates reviews from most of the mainstream US newspapers and movie Web sites, gave House of the Dead 6% our of 100%. Alone in the Dark, just out, has managed a rating of just 1%, from more than 100 reviews! A quick online trawl reveals that Herr Boll is not well liked and by now, must have one of the largest collections of death threats on the planet. He's like some reincarnated Ed Wood with cash, a camera and a death wish.

Oh yeah, he's also doing Far Cry and Dungeon Siege so you can crush any glimmer of hope now. Boll might be taking games-based movies to a new low, but he's not exactly had a lot to work with as templates go. Here are a few milestones. This list is not meant to be definitive and feel free to send me what I'm missing.

1993: Super Mario Brothers
Bob Hoskins does dungarees and Dennis Hopper plays it straight in a convoluted story of plumbers and princesses with hokey special effects.

1994: Double Dragon
Died a deserved death on the big screen and went straight to Video Hell, only to be rescued now and then by drunk blokes at midnight looking for something to go with eight pints of lager and a curry.

1994: Street Fighter
It starred Kylie Minogue as a martial artist. We should be so lucky. We weren't.

1995: Mortal Kombat
The controversial and ultra-violent Mortal Kombat game was transformed into a washed out PG-13 pillow fight. It was also crammed with all that flying, spinning back-kick stuff - you know, that really useful martial arts. Someone must have liked it though since it has spawned two sequels: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and Devastation is in the works. Yippee.

1999: Wing Commander
Good, space shoot-em-up game becomes silly, space-shoot ‘em up movie starring Freddie Prinze Jr. before he got lucky and bagged Buffy.

2001: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
This is as close to an average game-based movie as we have ever gotten, despite having nothing whatsoever to do with the games. It broke the CGI mould, bankrupted its makers and while the eye-candy was breath-taking the story was mush.

2001: Tomb Raider
It had five screen writers - always a good sign. Pretty early on it was decided that the only way to save the movie was to put Angelina Jolie in hot (luke-warm) pants. It didn't work. Still, it made over $300m worldwide, so they made another one called The Cradle of Life in 2003. Thankfully, we think the series has been entombed albeit 'fan' sites are petitioning for more.

2002: Resident Evil
Sneak and splatter horror game, Resident Evil, aims for cult B-movie status and falls well short. Dodgy effects, po-faced script, poor direction. It also spawned a sequel (Resident Evil: Apocalypse) and a third instalment ‘Afterlife', is being threatened. I could go on, but then it was directed by Paul Anderson, the man who gave us Mortal Kombat, Soldier and our next celluloid masterpiece.

2004: Alien Vs. Predator
Came from a game, looked like a game. It had the potential to be one of the most thrilling face-offs in movie monster history. It failed. Will surely spawn a sequel.

2005-2006
This is what's coming next.

Alone in the Dark - so bad, you wouldn't use the print as a Frisbee, unless it was into a furnace.

Doom 3 - great things are expected for this one and even though it may suck, it will make enough cash for a sequel, or two.

BloodRayne: directed by Uwe Boll. Nuff said.

Can the Halo or Splinter Cell movies save the day? The evidence suggests not. Will I be going to the cinema to see them - probably not. Will I be staggering into my local DVD store at midnight waving a curry around and looking for something to pass out in front off? Hell yeah! µ