Quest Software prize winners cash in

WAY BACK in March we asked you enter our poetry competition, stating that "laments about life on the developer, helpdesk, admin beat are very welcome.

"Random defamatory statements about management and users could be eligible for extra points. The five best will gain the software and the worst one will also gain a prize. 'Just for sitting there', as Brucie used to say."

The prize? None of your big LCD TVs, Iphones or hard cash here. We went straight to the top of the tree and bagged three copies each of three copies each of Quest Software's Toad for Oracle Xpert Edition and LiteSpeed for SQL Server.

As poets, you showed yourself to be good IT administrators. In fact, this is probably the poorest-quality response to a competition I have ever seen, but no matter, somebody has to win.

How about this one:

The Plum Tree
Though plums are dropping from the tree,
Two thirds of them remain!
For men who look for one like me
Now might be the time

The plums are dropping from the tree;
Two thirds of them are gone!
For men who look for one like me,
Now truly is the time.

All plums are from the plum-tree gone;
My basket has them here.
O that the men who long for me
Would whisper in my ear!

Ivan, Ivan. Number one, in what way does this reflect the life of an IT admin? Number two, you've obviously stolen it from a collection of Chinese odes.

Oh well, here's Craig's "effort":

Being the IT engineer,
Dealing with clients in fear,
Their machines go down,
Management frown,
They haven't got a clue,
But neither have you,
SQL is back down again.

You scratch your head,
It all becomes clear,
You call for support,
expect a nasty retort,
all you get is a numpty on call.

Its not in his textbook,
and your brains no factbook,
Google it is for now.

It's all busted,
you got re-build it,
gimme that Litespeed here here.

So rubbish on so many different levels, Craig. I'll be generous and grade you an E-.

And what of Mr. Wibble T. Kat. Surely that name hints at a poetic expression?

I enter for dosh

Yet winning I never do

Award me the kit

You haven't exactly tried there, have you, Mr. Kat?

What about this haiku from Nick Pittom:

Oh how I wish that,

I knew anything bout this,

to win and sell it.

I'm beginning to think you all clubbed together to mock me with these attempts.

OK, Rbrowton, you're up next:

The production databases are down

The head of IT is a clown

All the app servers have crashed

And the help desk is un-abashed

But the support staff are all in the Crown

Poor but at least along the right lines.

Go on Barry North:

I woke up today with a mission

To bag a copy of Oracle Xpert Edition

So simple a thing

Made my heart sing… Until…

My sodding computer crashed for the fourth time in a morning "Windows is shutting down" it said, "No", says I, "Please… dooooon't! My work, my work, at least let me save my…"

Oh God, at least it's nearly over. Finally, it's Andrew.Burbidge

There was once a developer in IT

Who thought administrating an Oracle

application was eeee zzzzzz.

Until it all froze and the director gave him a bloody nose

For not archiving reg u larr leeeeee.

Thanks Andrew, that was also pathetic.

Right then, you don't deserve it but you're all winners apart from Ivan's stolen verse. Drop me a line with snail-mail addresses and they'll be with you soonest. Specify which box you want and I'll do my best to allocate.

And please shoot me if I ever set up another poetry competition. [We will, Ed.] µ