Doctor Spinola answers your technical questions

DEAR SPINOLA Come the first of July, I've been told that I won't be able to smoke cigarettes any more. I am a top techie and sometimes administer my corporate domains from home, which means, my firm says, I can't smoke there either. What am I to do?
A. Dear Dweeb. You are quite correct but as with any piece of defective legislation, there are ways round this. I call them "patches". If you get a job as an IT administrator in the Houses of Parliament, you will still be allowed to smoke. Also, prisoners in Her Majesty's gaols will still be able to smoke in England after the 1st of July. Also, if you fancy life as a Jolly Jack Tar working for the Royal Navy in a nuclear submarine, you will be able to puff away to your heart's content.

Q. Dear Spinola. I face a life sentence in jail for attempting to pirate Microsoft Windows software. Do you know a good brief who can get me off this bum rap?
A. Dear Constituent. Don't waste your money on lawyers. Take up smoking. The years will simply roll away and it is good for you. The best way to make sure you've got enough matches while you're in clink is to get a razor blade and slice one single match longitudinally into eight. I understand there are lucrative opportunities for Tobacco Barons in Her Majesty's gaols.

Q. Dear Spinola. I am having problems with Samba using Debian GNU/Linux 4.0. What should I do?
A. The Samba is only suited to young people. A more sedate dance for someone of your age and experience is the waltz. On no account try the Lambada unless you are exceptionally spritely and/or very drunk.

Q. I see on a competing hardware site to yours that soon there will be additional brains added to computers. Currently my computer only has one brain, and it is a Pentium IIII "Netbust". You will probably want to know what software I am running. I am using Xywrite, Multiplan, Windows for Warehouses 3.1 and some small DOS based utilities. My machine has 2GB of memory, and a 200GB hard drive. Should I buy additional brains when the opportunity arrives?
A. You do not tell me whether you will want to use 16 USB sticks in the immediate future, nor do you say whether your PC is what I technically call a "workhorse" or an old mare fit only for what I technically call the "knacker's yard". Basically there is a simple rule of thumb. You will need one extra brain for each of the 16 USB sticks you are currently using. That means, I am afraid, that you will have to wait a couple of years until either AMD or Intel paste more what we call "dies" onto the CPU, which as you rightly point out is the brain of a computer. µ

Spinola regrets that he cannot answer your technical questions unless either a bunch of used tenners or a bottle of Talisker are supplied. No fake cartons of Talisker containing empty milk bottles are acceptable