INQ game on target for Q2 ship

WE RUN a pretty tight ship around these parts and like to think that we call a spade a blooming shovel.

So when we say we're going to release a program, we do so. No messing about with alphas, betas, gold code, RTMs, announcements and pre-announcements. Just real availability, come and get it and devil take the hindmost, if you catch my meaning.

So when we said there was an INQUIRER game in the offing, we weren't bluffing, being a bit tactical with the strategic marketing, or selling a bunch of FUD. Here's the roadmap: you can download it from next month. Not sure exactly what day but if we miss June, hang us out to dry and feel free to put us on your vapourware lists alongside Viridian, Mac OS X and the rest.

Ok, so what's the spec, you ask. Well, it's going to involve your most loved INQ characters including Mike, Charlie, Everywhere Girl and the rest.

Which brings me to the theme. We did a tear down of your suggestions and we can disclose that sources close to the Gameweaver dev team suggest it will involve chasing around zapping bad things and collecting good things. It will have platforms and stuff. You know, like all those other games out there, just INQUIRER enabled.

The price: it will cost £99 and £129 for a deluxe edition that comes with a booklet printed on luxury paper. Coverage will include Magee's Early Years: The Photos They Couldn't Ban, and Ten Things You Didn't Want To Know About Charlie.

Not really, it's a free download.

Everybody who suggested ideas will get a mention in the code. Here are some of them, Lord help us.

Simon:

“I'll not suggest a specific idea, but principles that could be applied to whatever game you choose: The lead character in the game could be called L'Inq (tying in your name while paying homage to Nintendo's classic Zelda games). The game should make use of as much Inquirer jargon as you can work in, thereby adding to the puzzlement of some people, while adding to the amusement of others who always find it funny when people write to you saying ‘What is this Vole of which you speak?'

"The game should be blatantly commercially exploitative (e.g., sell ad space to your sponsors), in an over-the-top way, so you can give the game away for free, still make a bit of money off of it, and enjoy letters from people who don't appreciate the irony in it.

"Clearly, the primary purpose of the game should be your amusement and not the amusement of your readers. The joke should be on the readers... or at least on those readers who don't realise that the joke is on them. Those who do realize that will enjoy it along with you.”

Pasdepardon:

“There should be a kind of hand-held truth-o-meter that beeps in presence of big or small piles of dung, scattered along the way. If it beeps very fast, INQ journos have to dig the dung to get to the truth bit.”

Donnie:

“Here's the game concept: a first-person shooter. You're INQ paparazzi and you've got to take photos of Everywhere Girl as she pops up from here, there and, well, everywhere. But don't shoot too soon as snapshots of anyone else will loose you points, with super-extra neg points for snaps of Wikipedia staff, most particularly the dreaded Dionyseus...”

The Dude:

“A game similar to either PaperBoy or NeverWinter Nights 2. PaperBoy was a platform NES game where you drive around delivering papers to houses and dodging obstacles. Instead, INQ reporters can dodge obstacles to get to a story source and report. Be like the most dangerous reporting alive as the evil companies try to whack the heroic INQ reporters from coming out with bad reviews. NeverWinter Nights 2 game is a lot different from neverwinter nights 1. There is a lot of fancily written dialogue that even I'm impressed with, being a screenwriter and all. So a lot of role-playing as an INQ reporter to stylishly display fancily dialogue choices to have others dish out top secret information.”

Paul Sundling:

“How about an adventure game, where the staff at major tech events and conventions like IDF with bonus rounds that take place at nearby pubs? Objectives: Run from security and NDAs patrolling the event. Avoid PR handlers to get interviews. Take pictures with bonus points for non-public demos. Place INQUIRER stickers on unmanned booths. Find hidden items like PR treatments about INQ staff. Bonus bar levels: Get PR flacks drunk and they spill stories. Rack up as many stories before the timer expires.”

Kaleb:

“The game should be titled Assmonkeys on the Run because it has nothing to do with anything, and no one is really sure what an assmonkey is in the first place. It should feature an outrageously hot babe on the cover so that people will actually buy the damn thing. The gameplay should be a melding of the playability of South Park Rally, the clever plot dynamics of Leisure Suit Larry, the stunning grahpics of Beat 'em and Eat 'em, and the economy management of Age of Mythology. The deluxe version comes with a sticker that reads ‘I Inquired!' for you to stick on your, well, whatever. The ultra-deluxe version comes with an iron-on T-Shirt graphic that says ‘I Inquired (and I wish I didn't)!' The uber-mega-ultra-omegatron version doesn't include the game, but it does have an official document declaring you to be a Lord (or Lady) of Sealand. Which is not only a £49 value but also infinitely more useful than the crappy game itself."

Wootseaker:

“Make sure it has bleeding edge 3D graphics, we want fully rendered beer bellies that mimic the real ones.”

Graeme:

“I think the game should involve wandering thirsty journo Mageek and band of fellow happy reprobates being led through the world's many wildernesses (tropical rain forest, sahara desert, tottenham court road, etc.) looking for mental sustenance in the form of a pub. Only the magic elixir of the pub would allow the parched Mageek mind to unleash a veritable torrent of copy to stave off the terrifying FUD Packers of the Eyetee Industry. I suggest it's written by Jeff Minter.”

Anon:

“This could be a simple front end, with several sub-games... The front end: Image of the Inq offices (like Skool Daze), and you have to use a fan to blow clouds away from the new solar panels as the hacks can't work without power. In addition to this, the hacks could have a couple of meters that run down at different speeds, i.e. you have to hand out beers before sanity levels return to normal, or monitor wipes so they can see what they're doing.”

Ulyd:

“A command-and-conquer game with Mike Magee as the general, commanding Charlie, Paul, Adamson, Eva and the rest of Inq writers against the evil spinners, RIAA, MPAA etc.”

Aurizon:

“Pin the tail on Mageek, or others. Best played drunk, then the pins are not felt.”

Harry P:

“Each level is a different day. Each day is a different crazy article, something like ‘Windows Ate My Hamster'. The player controls the writer of the INQ, and must get them home safely. But they must battle the evil types of the industry on the way. So if you rip on Macs, expect heavy artillery and planks of wood with nails through them from the Apple fanboys. If you diss Microsoft, Ballmer's gonna get on your case. Bosses will be big cheeses such as Gates and Jobs. Your mission will be to make it home but you gotta do side missions like evade the angry mob on a bicycle or help a granny cross the street or something like that. Save DAAMIT from themselves, collect coins around the city to make Linux more user friendly and mass marketable...you get the idea. Hope these help get the game out, I'd buy a game about the INQ, as long as you get to destroy fanboys.”

Kimmie:

“How about playing as Mike and attempting to wrestle control of the old Vulture? Sort of an Inq's Revenge!”

RMN:

“And maybe a bonus could be awarded if you manage to save the Everywhere Girl (which would appear in every level, of course) from the evil Dionyseus.”

Teh:

“Maybe the game could be the Inquirer Team searching for stolen news icons kept by some HUGE companies you are writing about, like MS, Intel, DAAMIT, etc."

Marshall:

“You should include a mode that involves wearing a Bunny Suit and shooting old OS/2 freebie mugs. The final boss should be a giant gorilla wearing a T-shirt that says Chipzilla Inside. You could even have a mini-boss battle involving a similar but smaller boss called Chimpzilla. And don't skimp on the boffins and voles!”

Nikolaos:

“There should definitely be Mike Magee whipping the INQ writers and reporters asking from them to deliver their articles on time. I can't wait for this game.”

Gaynor de Wit:

“Surely someone has suggested the blindingly obvious for this game? Title: Primal Ale Hunt. Setting: Dimly lit London (parts of Soho or near Seven Dials) in the rain. Characters: Inq hacks feverishly searching out pints of real ale. 10 points + extra biceps muscle strength scored when you enter a pub and obtain the appropriate beer. 5 points if you end up with a lager, 2 if it's a non-European watered-down job, with no bicep muscle boost because they come in little bottles. Bonus points/health packs if the barmaid smiles at you. Health packs deducted if barman bans you or throws you out for being drunk and disorderly. Severe penalties, such as near-total loss of credibility packs, if you enter a trendy wine bar by mistake and get stared at by the yuppie crowd holding fancy cocktails. Or is this more like reality TV?”

Richard Getz:

“Level up and Weapons Bonus points when you can answer if a clue is Fact or Friction. Secret meetings with friends or foes as they write down clues on napkins. Take these clues and follow the roadmaps, using your skills. Gather weapons such as Magic Pens, PDAs so you don't have to stop at the computer cafe to upload your work. Fighting other news agencies for the Scoop, never knowing who is going to give you a bad lead. Earn points and get through the game having the most accurate uploaded INTEL! Level up when you successfully put a story together. Being DRUNK! means you write down the information kinda weird, but you have to buy enough drinks in some cases just to get them to talk.” µ