Become an expert using Microsoft Software

IF YOU'RE LIKE me, you enjoy techie trivia quizzes, took part in the BBC National IQ test last week and dislocated your ankle when you were 19, resulting in it aching if you walk long distances. Chances are you're only a bit like me, meaning that you like techie trivia quizzes.

So if, like me, you thought that you would while away your lunch hour going through some Microsoft set quizzes - the Faster Smarter Online Challenge - you'll be disappointed, and possibly a little shocked.

I thought I'd start off with the "Windows XP" quiz, six questions in all, and I'm an expert! Hurrah and huzzah. So I take the "Internet" quiz - nothing unexpected there, a well rounded 5 out of 5. Wow, I should really get a job using these computer things, I'm a guru!

Things start to get a little worrying when I take the home networking quiz. If my network hardware isn't working, or my connection is not recognised, what's the best thing to do?

A) Replace all cables
B) Turn off your hub
C) Switch patch and crossover cables
D) Restart your computer

Of course, this is a Microsoft quiz, so instead of having sensible options such as "Check cables are connected correctly", "Check power supply on the connection hardware", we get the One True Solution - Reboot. Ok, ok, I can let that one go. I try the "Digital Video" quiz. By this point, I'm wondering why I'm still bothering, but it should be obvious - I want to see how bad they get.

How would you save CPU power when transferring Digital Video to your computer?

A) Defragment your hard drive
B) Turn on a screen saver
C) Activate your anti-virus
D) Open another program

Now I'm stuck. All those things would hinder the transfer, surely! I don't want my hard drive going bananas while I'm transferring large files around, I don't really want my anti-virus software scanning either. Another program? Opening Office is resource intensive at the best of times. So, the least CPU hungry of the options must be to turn on my screen saver, after all, how much power can Marquee take up?

Wrong.

Microsoft recommends that you defrag your hard drive while transferring large files. It then goes on to recommend that you do not use any of the special effects your camera has. After all, you've paid for them, and if you use them you might not pay out for Microsoft software that does the same thing! Also, when you choose your digital stills camera, make sure it can record sound. A digital zoom is less important than recording sound, apparently. Odds on that the camera it wants you to enter their draw for has no zoom and a microphone.

Of course, it's not a real techie quiz. It's simply a marketing ploy to get you to enter your details to win a digital camera, which, I hope, explains the questions and answers.

Otherwise, the most widely used operating system in the world is written by a company which honestly thinks the best way to fix your computer is to reboot it, making a device completely multimedia is better than adding features that make it better at its core function, and defragging your hard drive is best done on a mounted filesystem while you're working on it.

Oh dear. µ

See Also
Of Mice, Men and Microsoft

Mike Heald's own web site is NotNowLewis. Its aim is to be the most immature, puerile site on the net, he says.