The INQUIRER guide to media training

WE REALISED WE HADN'T yet provided part three of our guide to media training, promised to you over a year ago.

Here then, is the final part of our series, which features our free "media training plans" for computer companies, which will save them doling out £1,000 a day to our colleagues plus the inevitable PR agency 17.5% on top to rat on colleagues.

IDENTIFY CORRUPT HACKS
Some say that, by definition, all journalists have something of the night about them. No independent survey by Forrester, IDC or Gartner has yet asked the important questions all companies should know.

Here are the questions for that survey with our very own made up PR rating or benchmark of the likelihood or not the hacks will bite:

If I take you for lunch at The Ivy will you promise to be easy on us next time we screw up? Corruption Likelihood 60%+

We're thinking of organising a serious press trip in which we will take you, all expenses paid on a week long trip round the Caribbean. Do you think you will think our products are very very good after that? Corruption Likelihood 92%++

We know you do this expensive newsletter, which we really value inside our corporation. When we launch our Kaboomcha Enterprise Program in December, will you give it a fantastic write up? We're thinking of taking out a site licence for your newsletter. Corruption Likelihood 90%+

I've heard your publishing house is in deep doo-doo. Perhaps you'd be interested in a job with Kaboomcha as an analyst? Still, while Computers and Better Mouse Traps is going, have you heard about our new Enterprise Program that starts in December? Corruption Likelihood 80%+

Did you know that Kaboomcha is vertically integrated and manufactures sports cars, has a worldwide chain of five star hotels and a supermarket right next to you which can provide you with your groceries almost forever? We can also supply nappies (diapers) if necessary. Corruption Likelihood 92%+

Do you like gambling/girls/boys/drink/drugs? Corruption Likelihood 85%+

PROFILING JOURNALISTS
Why waste time on an expensive PR agency when you can profile IT hacks for free, using our rather economically priced Column Length and Inches Tariff?

Here is the algorithm in brief:

(word count * circulation) + PR rating - (entertainment costs per year + age) = Value to Company/Spinola Reality Check*

Here's some examples of how this works, using objective benchmarks we've just devised.

Print Journalism Say Mr Anyoldgeezer (52) works for UK national broadsheet The Daily Burton with a circulation of 200,000, has a coke habit of €130 per day, and demands first class foreign travel three times a year at €4,500 a trip, writes one column a month of around 700 words, and has a PR rating of 10 on the Spinola Scale**. Anyoldgeezer's rating is therefore calculated as follows:

(700 * 200,000)+10 - (4,500 + 52) = 1400000010-4552=1399995458

This sum is divided by the Spinola Reality Check (SRC) of 10,000, giving a total rating of 139999.5458

Online Journalism Glink Fertrad works for online web site the Outrageouster. This bottle top [shorely red top, Ed.] claims a daily circulation of 25,000,000. Glink drinks 12 Guinnesses a day at a cost of €3.20 apiece, writes 2,000 words a day, and will be bought for a weekly bus pass, cost €25. He has a rating of -1 on the Spinola Scale. Glink's rating is therefore calculated as follows:

((2,000 * 25,000,000) + minus -1)- (1300+22) = 49999999999. Divided by the SRC, that gives a total rating of 4999999.9999

Monthly Review Mags Erk Klaudbuster is editor of Prestigious PC News. The magazine sells in newsagents in the UK, and has a monthly circulation of 50,000. It is a product book, as the jargon goes. Erk does not drink, declines press trips, and because is young and handsome is thought of highly in the PR community with an astonishing rating of 25. However, he will not attend a press conference without a London taxicab being provided at €60 for the return trip. Erk does not write at all, but gets his minions to do everything, even his editorials.

His rating is therefore ((0 * (50,000/30) + 25)) - (60 + 28) = 32. Divided by the SRC that gives a total rating of 0.0032.

Erk is therefore best value for money.

TREATING JOURNALISTS
In the UK, at least, journalists score poorly, being marginally better than estate agents and politicians. But unlike the last two "professions", journos not only score poorly but get paid terribly as well.

This section describes the techniques an IT executive can use to ensure first class coverage of a leading edge company.

BULLYING Never underestimate the spinelessness of a hack. If he or she refuses to play ball, browbeat them. If for some unfathomable reason they resist the sheer power of your will, then...

THREATEN THEM Use your imagination here. If they have a boss, tell them that you are just about to call him or her. Use any pretext. Being imaginative is the essence of marketing. If that fails, then...

HIT THEM You'd be surprised how often this works. No-one likes being the target of physical assault.

BLACKMAIL THEM Tell them that you know everything about them. Demand money. Use this in combination with the three other techniques above.

IGNORE THEM As a marketeer of a first rate company, you know how this works inside your company. If you're asked a difficult question, answer a completely different one. For example, a question might go: "I understand you have cut your R&D budget by €30,000,000 this year. Can you tell me why?" A good answer might be: "We have designed middleware to bridge the gap between mission critical applications to drill down into a 3D Web-based paradigm."

* SPINOLA REALITY CHECK This is based on the Kodger-Talisker rating, a combination of the latest cricket score compounded by how many he's had.

** THE SPINOLA SCALE This ranges from -30 to +30. It is an average of how annoying a journalist is, how many times she/he rings you during a day, how stupid a PR thinks she or he is, and whether he or she is attractive and possibly worth wasting some "romantic time" on. µ

See Also
The INQUIRER guide to media training Part II
The INQUIRER guide to media training Part I