Your INQ at-a-glance guide to the budget

ARE YOU BETTER OFF OR NOT? Chancellor Gordon Broon has announced his final budget before he assumes command as President of The Republic of The United Kingdom. INQUIRER analysts have trawled through the minutiae with a fine toothed comb and have produced a simple guide to the implications for the average taxpayer.

House owners with one car, two bicycles, a goldfish and a Kaiser Chiefs album will be £45.97 a year better off.

People called Kevin married to someone from Bradford who also go on holiday to Marbella between June and August will be £32.89 worse off.

Owners of AMD processors will be penalised for increased greenhouse emissions. This will be based on a 0.001p per megahertz sliding scale, taking DDR2 memory into consideration. Intel processor owners will benefit from a tax cut on the SSE2 instruction set.

People living in Blaenau Ffestiniog who own a retired greyhound called Colin will be £49.01 better off, but due to the new racing dog tax, the same people with an active Whippet will be £0.01 poorer.

The new tax on children named after celebrities will hit hard-working families hard, but the Treasury has announced a swingeing new tax on changing names by deed poll meaning that Kylies, Jasons, Beckhams and Jordans will actually be better off keeping their rather sad names. The new £1,000,000 per annum tax on people called David Cameron is expected to hit opposition from the House of Lords.

The new green tax on cars will also affect many families. Cars painted any colour other than green will have to pay double for road tax from April 2008. However, the new tax on green paint is expected to raise £45 billion for the Treasury.

The controversial new Stupidity Tax will raise an expected £456 billion from people who watch reality TV shows and Daily Mail readers, while a ten per cent cut on tacks tax will help people keen to pin photographs of celebrities on their bedroom walls.

Perhaps most controversially, a cash grant of £10 million and a reduction of 110 per cent on income tax for Scottish people moving from a house numbered 11 to one numbered 10 will be triggered by the resignation of the current Prime Minister. However, cash grants of up to £25,000 to members of parliament supporting one-eyed people called Gordon are expected to smooth the bill's progress through Parliament. µ